No, I will not go back to my BPD ex

We were together for three years, and it has only been four days of no contact. Four days that have felt like hell.

What we had was powerful. The love was real. It felt unique. At times it felt like soulmate or twin-flame territory — the kind of connection that only comes along once in a lifetime.

But there was always that one thing.

That one thing I kept trying to fix.

"If I can just make her understand."
"If I can just communicate better."
"If I can just become a better partner."

For years, I convinced myself it was something small. Something that could be solved with enough patience, enough love, enough sacrifice.

It wasn't small.

It was enormous.

And no amount of love, effort, loyalty, understanding, or self-abandonment could make it disappear.

Dear community, the cognitive dissonance seems to be strong over here. I struggle with anxious attachment and co-dependancy and after 3 years of the biggest rollercoaster of my life Im starting to see this as a gift. It seems I needed such a big kick up my butt that I was sent someone that would almost destroy me.

The lesson?
Self love. Boundaries.

Firstly, I take full responsibility for my wrong doings. I told many lies. Small white lies about the smallest of things to keep the peace. There were bigger lies too. To keep the peace. To keep those eggshells from breaking. To avoid those triggers. And oh boy, there was an infinite amount of triggers. 'No dear, I didnt go to the gym where other women would look at me'. 'No dear, I didn't go to my kids school play where my ex will also attend.'

Lies are lies and its wrong. Its a lesson in boundaries.

So, as per the title. NO I WILL NOT MESSAGE YOU AND GO BACK.

Why?

Because I will not let you make me choose between you or my children ever again.

I will not let you say toxic and racist things towards my mixed race kids ever again.

I will not be sucked into induced conversations that goes around in circles, for hours. The end goal for you was a total breakdown of my mental health it seems.

I will not compromise my physical wellbeing for you ever again. It is normal to go to the gym and sauna.

I will not be a victim of your emasculation anymore. This was a favourite of yours. I wont repeat the words you used here as I will be banned from the internet. Lol

I will not let you gaslight me anymore and gaslighting it seems - you treated as a sport.

I will not let you compromise my professional life anymore. I've lost enough at work. You demanded messages on the hour while I was working. Sometimes I was required to talk for hours, to sooth your needs. I got into trouble for this. At least your needs were soothed.

I will not stand for your double standards anymore. You were very quick to say: 'Im dealing with something difficult at work, I cant talk right now' and silence for the whole day.

I will not let you head butt me and put your hand around my throat ever again, leaving marks that lasted for 2 days.

So, no, I will not message you. I will never see you again.

I take this gift. I take this lesson.

I will focus on me and I will heal and come out stronger on the other side.

Dear community,

There are lessons to be learned from your pain. Take them. Listen to them. Let them challenge you. Let them kick your ass if they need to.

It is never too late to leave.

We are often faced with two choices, and both are painful.

One path is familiar. It offers moments of relief, hope, and comfort, but it can also keep us trapped in the same cycle, slowly eroding who we are.

The other path is painful too. It asks us to let go, to grieve, to face the unknown, and to rebuild ourselves.

But only one of those pains is temporary.

The other can last a lifetime.

Choose the pain that leads to peace. To freedom.

Thank you all