I'm a failure

17F here. This year has really been taking a toll on me and I feel pretty close to ending it all.

My academics are perhaps the most important thing in my life. This year I've just been failing over, and over, and over and over and over again no matter how much time and effort and blood swear and tears I put into it. And it really, really hurts seeing other people achieve all sorts of amazing things because they're smarter than me. I'm trying my best. I'm putting in the hours and doing the work so why is it not me. This was the last year I could participate in competitions and I failed. Not just one, but all of them. All the work from all these years has been for nothing. All wasted. And I've sacrificed so much for my studies. I don't have a life outside of academics.

I know I might sound like a privileged asshole right now but it really matters so much to me. My parents have put so much money and time into my education that I can't accept failure. They always say they aren't disappointed but I know they are. I can see it in their eyes. Every day I wish I was never born and that they had a better daughter. They deserve so much better. And they argue all the time because of me. They're miserable because of me. It's all my fault

I've tried talking about this with my school counsellors and friends but nobody understands. I feel like a fucking alien. I really want to stop living like this in a constant state of anxiety and anger but I don't really know how. I wish it would all just stop. I can't commit suicide because I don't want to leave my parents alone on this shithole planet. But I don't want to live like this forever either. I seriously wish a truck would just run me over

I'm really desperate to talk to someone who's in the same position or who understands what I'm saying