Husband puts me down over what I don’t do, over what he thinks I won’t ever do, and doesn’t think I should be able to criticise him because of it

Any time I complain or criticise him, he goes on a rant about me, and all of my issues and how they impact him. That or he says so and so thinks he’s a great person, a good husband, and his family would be confused by what I think and feel about him. He gets angry with me for posting about our issues, though he used to not care, and called anyone who commented a snowflake. He told me that a therapist said posting online wasn’t good, that everyone jumped to the worst conclusions. He started caring when I began to post about the suspicions surrounding him cheating and people agreed. He said I was ruining his reputation though I post anonymously. He said it created tension and made me believe things that weren’t true.

He said I left things out that would change opinions which wasn’t true. He said I had a false perception. He got angry with me for even using ChatGPT and said it was made to agree with the user. Any time that he’s posted, or used ChatGPT, or even gone to anyone he has left a considerable amount of detail out and made me look bad. He used and threatened me with his family since very early on. He’s also lied about things they’ve said. Today we had an argument that felt like it kept going from one thing to another. This has happened before and it really feels like he’s not trying to solve anything. It seems like he is trying to take a bunch of whatever he can out on me, and make me feel bad, perhaps as a justification.

It started today after we had an issue with sex, and he lost his erection, and blamed me. Not the first time. He’s on medication he says kills his libido, but I don’t think he’s attracted to me, because he’s treated me like he isn’t and has insulted me over my weight many times. I criticised the situation and told him to be honest with me for once, as the most he’s said is he’s less attracted to me. But I am tired of being humiliated. He said I’ve gained a chunk of weight, and he is less attracted, but denies he’s lost all attraction. From there he got up, complaining about being tired of the relationship as he often does, and of my stuff around the room which he’s complained about before.

I said I get that I have too much stuff, it’s in the way, and I can understand it bothers him. But at the same time he’s made me feel bad since very early into the relationship, when I had less stuff, and he wanted it pretty much hidden away. When a few years in I displayed things, after he encouraged me to, he complained about me taking over the room and him having no space. He seemed to resent me over it even though he encouraged me. He bought a pink tree but complained about it. He sold his collection to get money and afterwards seemingly used that against me, complaining about doing that, as if I made him.

He said that I wasn’t living here at the time had the tree up, and it was in the other room we were in, which wasn’t true. He insisted I was wrong when he was about the timeline. He said maybe he wasn’t ready for my stuff to be in the room. I said most guys seem to encourage that sort of thing, and be okay with it. That I’ve seen women decorate rooms around the house with things, and he said he wouldn’t want that, and if it means he loves me less then I can take it that way. He acted like I was making no sense, like I wasn’t acknowledging my stuff being in the way, when I was but was also trying to say he’s made me feel bad about it for a long time and really doesn’t see to want me to have my stuff here.

This led to him complaining about how I could at least organise it, which is difficult to do, when there’s so much stuff. We have both organised it together a few times, including not too long ago, and I haven’t messed with it since then. He said I never take initiative to organise it. I said I did before and he said I only did it because he prompted me to. I said I don’t think it can look any better. This went into him criticising me about my hygiene, how that bothers him, and how it ties into his lack of interest sexually. The fact I don’t shower sometimes for several days and don’t brush my teeth much. I acknowledged this, said I knew it was gross, and have previously tried to explain it’s because I am depressed but he doesn’t accept that.

I said I put things into the Amazon cart for my teeth today, including toothpaste. He acted like by saying that I was invalidating his experience and feelings. He complained about how we have toothpaste here and could I not use it. He looked at the toothpaste, for bleeding gums, and complained about the cost and if I actually needed it. He started to complain about how he does everything, which he has complained about a lot. He does a lot more than me, and there are reasons for it. We live with his parents and I avoid them, because of severe anxiety, and because he’s repeatedly used them against me as I said above. I don’t want to be around them. And so I don’t do laundry or dishes.

He complains I don’t do what I can do in the room with tidying and cleaning. When I have, he has minimised it and dismissed it. He doesn’t take into account that we have both had issues, slept all day or into the day, and any of why I maybe wouldn’t be doing something. How now I don’t shower as often as before, and maybe have indicators of depression. He just sees it as I am lazy. He says that even when we’ve been other places, i haven’t cleaned. But at those other places i had my eating disorder, was sleeping all day with him, and was being treated like shit by him a lot of the time. At one point he told me daily I was useless, lazy, and blamed everything on me and I felt more like ending it than I did cleaning.

When I mention any of my reasons back then or now, he goes off at me saying I am invalidating his experience and feelings. He seems to want me to just take it or agree I am a lazy good for nothing person who will never change. He says I won’t do it if we move out, or that he worries I won’t, though I’ve told him that would be different since I won’t be avoiding his family. At the same time as he was saying all of this, he was cussing at me, putting me down, telling me to shut up when I responded, and telling me I was wrong about what I think and how I perceive the situation. He’s been saying lately, as he has many times before, that we need to divorce and he doesn’t want to be with me.

He has also begged me not to leave times I’ve tried and told me he doesn’t mean any of what he says. He told me again he wants me gone. He said this time he doesn’t love me, doesn’t view me as a wife, that his attraction is affected by these other things along with my weight gain. He said I was the one who criticised him, and he didn’t do anything to me. He kept not letting me finish what I was saying, responding to things before I finished, condemning all of what I said. He asked me what he was supposed to do, tell me he doesn’t find me attractive at all with my eating disorder, and make it worse. But at the same time said that isn’t true, he does still find me attractive, it’s issues with his medication causing this.

He didn’t want me to post as I was trying to, and was fed up with that the entire time. He went off about the shelf again, acknowledging he moved a lot of the items he is now complaining about, but telling me I should be the one to move them back and try to organise them. He is often mean to me, and we’ve argued about some of these things before, with him putting me down the same ways but usually he listens, and would take some of this in a bit more. All he’s done today is get angrier and angrier with me, challenging me all I said. I suspect he’s cheating. I actually think he’s involved with someone in his class which he’s going to tomorrow. And I think he started this and kept it going, along with the criticism of me, to justify that.