You are a victim of your actions.

I don't know what's more sad; the environment you live in, or whatever happened to you in your upbringing that made you think this was an acceptable way to be treated. Either way, we all get this one life, and everyday you wake up in the ruins of your failed marriage is another day you won't get back. Just go back to work. I promise, having to financially support yourself isn't as bad as being stuck where you are or maybe this is what you get for ghosting women who would have loved you and supported you unconditionally so you could be with someone who could careless about you.