My (F37) BF (M40) called me a bitch as a "joke/ banter".

My partner and I were chilling and chatting yesterday, lightly teasing each other back and forth a bit.

I made a comment he didn't like, and even though I'm pretty sure I immediately apologised, saying it was too far and I shouldn't have said that, he responded by saying something like "or you could stop being a bitch"... Or something to that effect.

Point is... he called me a bitch.

This isn't how we speak to each other. I don't even know if I've ever even been called a bitch that directly by a partner under any circumstances. I was severely bullied as a child, which he knows, so while some people might joke around like that, it's not part of our dynamic.

I was hurt and confused. Over several attempts at me trying to talk it over, he maintained that it was "just a joke" and it was "banter" and he didn't mean to upset me and I'm over reacting and taking this too far by still being hurt by it hours later.

I tried writing him a letter to explain my feelings, and he literally chucked it to one side, angry that I was "still" going on about it, and why won't I just let it go. So I took the letter back and tore it up. If you're going to show me that sort of disrespect then you don't get to see what I wrote you.

He is yet to bring the letter up again.

After I left for work me messaged me saying:

> The way you treat me when you’re upset is hurtful and unnecessary.

Was saying goodbye, even just looking at me, too much to expect from you?

My 1 second of (admitted) disrespect has turned into more than 12 hours of nastiness.

Is it honestly necessary?

By "nastiness" I assume he's taking about things being unpleasant between us.

I responded saying that I'm too damn hurt and feel too betrayed to make eye contact. His response to that text was: 👍

To me, this feels like a passive aggressive response.

Later, he deleted the thumbs up and sent a voice note saying this:

> "I'm sorry for calling you a bitch.

The context isn't important and whether it was a joke or not is not important.

The fact is that I upset you and what's important is that you're upset.

The way I view things is not important because you are the one that's upset and I caused

that.

So my view is not really relevant here and this is something that as you know I've always

struggled with.

I'm sorry for the way I've reacted.

I'm sorry for dismissing you.

I'm sorry that I didn't.

Protect you from harm.

And yeah, to know that I've caused harm once again is not nice.

I'm sorry my love, I care about you and I don't like upsetting you.

I love you.

I hope you can accept my apology."

Ok cool. Thank you, you've acknowledged my hurt, you've appologised for dismissing my feelings... You've even apologised for swearing at me.

But why does this leave me feeling like he still feels like what he said is ultimately ok and justifiable, an that he's only actually apologising for hurting my feelings... Not for saying something unacceptable and the relatedly defending it?

To me, this doesn't feel like a real apology. I do believe he means what he says, and that he won't do this again. But I feel like the reason he won't do it is to avoid me having an issue with it.

He has categorically refused to walk back the "it's just banter/ a joke" line, which is why, to me, this is a non-apology.

Does this seem like a valid apology? Am I being difficult if I say it feels like a non apology? I honestly don't even know how to respond to this or where to go to from here.

A part of me feels devastated to know that my partner sees nothing wrong with being calling me a gendered slur. I don't even want to bother explaining to him that it IS a slur... English is his home language and I can't wrap my head around how he could think this is acceptable.

I don't know how to process him disgardig my letter. I'm second guessing myself. Maybe I am being "too much" and should let it go. But like.... No?

I don't know how to try addressing this with him. Usually we talk about things a lot and are both deeply interested in psychology and navigating effective communication.

Yet here I am, literally just saying "it's fine" to what I feel is a total non-apology because I don't want more drama.

But I can't look him in the eye. Two days ago I was thinking that maybe this is my forever person. Now I'm left reeling and don't know how to handle this. I just feel heartbroken.

I don't know how to process all this?

TLDR: boyfriend called me a gendered slur, maintained it was a joke, refused to take accountability, apologized, but I feel was a non-apology, told me I'm overreacting so now I don't want to reject said non-apology because I don't want to deal with being told I'm dragging this out unnecessarily, but I'm not ok... How do I begin processing and navigating all this?