I was happier broke and unemployed.

I had more time to talk to you, then. I still hated my life. I still felt like a loser - but I had you to talk to about it, and that meant everything to me.

We talked all the time. Almost every day. We played Minecraft, we built amazing things in the game - and I didn't feel so alone in the world. I mean I was, at least in a local sense, but I never felt like it as long as we could play together and chat on Discord.

You've sent me a lot of cool shit through the mail. Stuffed animals, letters, candy. I've tried to send cool stuff back.

Somewhere along the way, things got weird, and it seemed to happen once I got this job. Not only do we not talk as much as we used to, but when we do, things are strained. I keep messing up, somehow. I feel like I'm out of the loop. Or I just don't know how to talk to you without making you mad anymore.

That's when we do talk. When I'm not given the silent treatment for weeks on end. It's growing harder to remember the days we'd talk for hours on end, or the times I'd make you laugh so hard your face hurts.

It just feels more and more like true friendship is impossible, and not just with you, but with anybody anymore. Like I'm just such a damaged and unsuitable candidate to be anyone's friend, or maybe it's not just me - maybe it's the whole world. Maybe human connection is just insanely difficult.

Maybe it's my age, or the way I was raised, my world view, or whatever. Maybe I just missed my window to ever have those mythical lifelong friendships I was promised were a thing, when I was growing up.

I know we're growing apart. I didn't want it to be like that. I'm doing better in my life by some metrics than I've ever done, which some might think is sad (why haven't I done it by now? etc.), but these small victories are huge to me.

I just wish I could share them with you. I wish you could feel joy in my doing well. I wish I didn't have to lose you in the bargain.