Idk why me... ( Dr.K please read ).

Hello guys, it's me again.... I would really appreciate it if someone allows me to reach out to Dr. K and he can give me advice.

I have been through a lot in life, and believe me when I say I have been through probably most trauma experiences there are, and I wanna heal.

At 6 years old, a war started in my country... I saw death, bombs, shouts, and all forms of shit war brings with it... We barely survived... Then we moved to a place a little bit safer, thankfully, but it still was getting bombed every now and then and ambushed and was like a point of attack and retreat...

I have an extremely abusive father... He used to beat my sisters and my mother and me, but I used to get hit the least because I was the youngest, probably. I always wanted to be able to help my mother and sisters, but I never could as I was a kid... In school, I used to get bullied, and I used to be really silent... Most of my school life was like this. In the neighbourhood, I also used to get bullied by other kids and beaten up, and I had no one to defend me or speak up for me.

I was also assaulted by strangers as a kid in a swimming pool where I was also alone. A cigarette was put out on my back, and I almost drowned, and I got filmed while I was changing... Didn't tell anyone, though, because no one would help. That was around 5th grade.

The only time I felt safe and good and expressive in a school was when I joined an Islamic school in 7th grade. It was way safer, and the values I saw really attracted me, and I sort of adopted religion since then. I have also seen how faith can make people extremely strong mentally, that nothing can harm them, and I wished and wanted to be like that but never reached this state of strong faith.

I later on left the Islamic school and got into a normal school where I was bullied again for being very silent and always hiding myself with my hoodie. I used to cry when I saw a father caring for his child... idk, it was kind of embarrassing, but I used to get jealous and cry when I saw other kids with healthy relationships with their fathers and having a good, normal family. I also used to wish I had a brother who could help me in life and be my bro and supporter in school and stuff.

I used to spend most of my time on my laptop playing games like Dota 2 or CSGO... it was sort of my escape from reality. Whenever a fight would break out in the house, I would raise the volume and put on the headphones... My father was kind of rich, but he used to only give to other people, not to us. But he also used to give us a wish if we passed 9th grade (he always wanted kids who were good in school and who studied and became doctors so they could raise his name), and my wish was a high-end computer, which he actually gave me after passing 9th grade...

Anyways... I entered high school, and I was a very lifeless person... I tried my best to change that... And I developed a passion for video editing and computers, and I used to spend hours daily on that, until after a couple of months of following this passion, I had a seizure and was diagnosed with epilepsy and prohibited from using my computer for over half an hour a day... I never wished for death more than at that time... My mother supported me, and she used to cry and care for me, she and my sisters, and that is why they are sort of everything for me, and I wish I were a better man to be able to help them and provide for them. The biggest pain in my life was seeing them being hit and crying and not being able to do anything...

My father sort of did not care that I got epilepsy... He was truly a monster, but he also had a rough childhood, and I never knew what his intentions were... He used to always destroy my self-confidence and make my life hell and humiliate me in front of others, and at the same time give me money to buy sweets and whatever... I used to hate having to take anything from him... He also used to touch me as a kid and laugh, saying he was checking if my things had grown yet or not, which used to make me really uncomfortable.

Whenever I got friends, I would almost always talk about deep topics with them and tell them a lot of secrets, which was really stupid of me... I used to always get called sensitive, and I hated that about myself... My father would say he would rather have had a dog over us, and he would say I am not a man and never will be... Which has stuck with me till today, and I feel like I cannot escape it... Every time I used to build up some confidence and self-belief, he would destroy it with a couple of words... I was extremely vulnerable to his actions and words, and he was sort of like a God that everything revolved around him, and he must always be content with us and what we do.

In 12th grade, I was surprisingly being respected by everyone in class, and I used to wonder why... Maybe because I had had enough of life and they were able to notice that?? Idk... But I kind of grew this sense of self a little bit... until something traumatic happened to me again... I was trying to ride a public bus when someone pushed me away and took my seat... I was furious. I did not want to get bullied again, so I insulted him, and he came out and beat me up. He was big as hell and was also an officer and had a gun... He slammed my head to the ground and beat me and then got back on the bus, and then started laughing at me, him and others... I started crying immediately like a foolish, weak, worthless man... And I felt like I am truly not a man... I kept crying for days over this... It was sort of complete humiliation and destruction of every thought I was building about myself being a man and strong and honorable and resilient...

I used to wish I was bad. I used to pray to have a stone heart that feels nothing and be immune to all sorts of bullying and beating... because I used to see that in others who were very well in control of themselves, and I used to wish I'm like that.

But the fact is I crumpled in that physical test. I froze and got beat up and humiliated...

Then I joined a local MMA gym... I started training, and I used to feel good after finishing class. It used to make me feel like I'm working on something, like the problem is solvable.... It was not recommended because of my disease, but I did not care... I did not want to be weak... So I did it for a couple of months, and then I had to do the high school exams. A lot of problems happened, death in the family, heart attacks, corona, etc., so it took me a long time, and then I finally finished high school and tried going back to MMA, which is when I was diagnosed with something in my legs. Idk how to say it in English, and it still hasn't been diagnosed fully and officially, so idk what's wrong with it, but the point is I could no longer run for more than a couple of minutes... train MMA or any sport that needs warm-up... walk fast for a while...

So this was another dream and goal destroyer.

And the cherry on top was when I discovered I no longer grow and I will be short for the rest of my life: 163 cm, or I think 5'3" in American measurements...

Destroying any hope I had of being a strong badass man that is very good at fighting and that is fearless... because a taller man would always be better... and gain more respect and be seen as more of a "man" than me... Now IDK who I am, honestly... I also struggle a lot with derealization even though I never went to therapy and got diagnosed with it... But I know for sure I have it. I used to always tell my mother I feel like I'm in a dream and I am watching my life unfold in front of me in third person... I really hate myself, and I cannot go to therapy right now. By my late teens, my father chilled out a little bit, but he was still very egoistic and would make a lot of toxic problems every now and then... I have been away from home now for a while, living alone... feeling extremely lonely and having no one to talk to, and I cry almost daily remembering the past and fearing the future. And I also know I have no chance with women. Who the hell would take someone like me anyway? Short and full of trauma... But I do a very good job of hiding my traumas in public. I am very nice to others... and very sensitive about not hurting anyone's feelings and always meeting the expectations of others... I also hate that about myself... I do not want to be nice always. I do not want to be a characterless man who doesn't do well in social gatherings, who doesn't know how to joke.

I do not want to be nice because I feel like I cannot be bad. I want to be dangerous and firm and strong and then give kindness to those who need it, but idk... Sometimes I also feel like I have multiple identities and personalities... Very rarely, I used to get this short period of time, like a single day in a month, where I feel very uncaring and outgoing... I used to love that because I would talk a lot and be social and not care about what others think and speak my mind and be sharp in understanding... But then I sleep, wake up the next day, and I'm back to myself... It is weird, and idk what that is, but I wish I could always remain like that... I also become like that when I do not sleep and I get sorta high... So I thought maybe drugs and weed would give me this feeling, but I don't want to take them although I think about it a lot sometimes...

I do not want to be a pussy. I want to be as great as Saladin and Charles Lionheart. I want to be able to stand up for something and to protect others like my younger self, and I want to escape the identity of a weak, short man who is not a threat to anyone... I do want to be a threat and then control myself! Like Saladin! I KNOW that I will never misuse power and oppress others, and I should have been destined to be tall and strong and firm, not short and socially weird!!

I am a little bit under 22 now, and this is my life... Many details have also not been mentioned... I am very sorry for dumping all of this on you, but I wanna share this with someone. I wanna feel like I am seen instead of putting sad status stories on WhatsApp and Instagram as if it's gonna do anything.

I do not know who I am or why God put me through all of this and at the end did not give me the physical capabilites and something to make up for that.

I do not know who I am honestly.. I am just going through life and I wanna be someone extremely great but then I do not beleive in myself enough and I am not disciplined, I also caught porn addiction since I was 13 and I had my ups and downs with it and I am still very shamingly addicted and sometimes I do it as a revenge.. idk from who exactly.

It would be amazing if Dr. K can also give his opinion about this...

Sorry for my bad English.