I'm horrible

Every day I'm living in so much guilt from my past actions. I suffer from OCD, which of course contributes to my disgusting intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but when it comes to real-event OCD, I just don't know what to do with myself. I just keep on obsessing about the past and feeling worse and worse every day. I try to be a good person and just change my life for the better, which I would be capable of if there wasn't a voice in my head telling me I don't deserve forgiveness and I don't deserve to even think of improving my life. Sometimes I try to lie to myself and think that I was a child or minor or just ignorant when I did certain things and that the past doesn't define me, but actually? The harm is done and my guilt will not erase it. And I wish it was just one thing, but every time a new memory pops up to remind me how much of a horrible person I am, and as much as I try to act differently, that's just a lie. I'm just lying to myself and others. I'm not a good person and it would've been better if I never existed. How can someone like me ever live their life and continue as if nothing happened? As if they don't have disgusting thoughts running in their head 24/7? I'm a waste of space, I'm a waste of the money that my family gives me for support, I'll never be anything good, and I wish I could just die.