Freaking ouuuuut, hate waiting

Hey friends,

I'm freaking out ! I (37F) tested positive for HPV 18 in March during a routine pap. Got a colposcopy + biopsies in April which came back as HSIL. Had a LEEP in May (two weeks ago).

I'm waiting for the results and I'm freaking out, I feel like my sanity is hanging by a thread. I'm really anxious, constantly checking my phone to see if the doctor has called. He told me the pathology report usually takes 4-5 weeks to be available and he is going to call only if I need further treatment. Otherwise I should schedule another colpo in six months. He has told me that there is a 7% chance I will need further treatment (2nd LEEP or other), that the chance is low, I shouldn't be worried, etc etc.

The thing is... In 2020 I as diagnosed with thyroid cancer. And it feels like every step of that process they told me not to worry and that the chance of bad news was only 5%, that it was probably benign, etc. And I got worse news at every turn during like three years. That experience makes me really kind of impervious to my doctor's reassuring words. I know he means well and I know he's right, the chance is low but... statistics don't protect individuals, you know what I mean ?!? I could be in the 5%, I have been before (often). I could get diagnosed with a second cancer before I'm 40. I could have my world turned up side down once again.

All this waiting for results.... it's just reactivating all my cancer traumas. It doesn't help that the spring is the season for my annual thyroid cancer follow-ups so it is always a stressful time either way. And now this HSIL stuff, it feels too familiar. I don't want to go through this again.

Anyway... just needed to vent to people who understand. I feel like my loved ones don't really get it, they just ask why I freak out since it's not cancer. I know it's not (yet or officially or whatever). But the anguish is the same. I recognize it. And I have learned to allow myself to feel it. I feel the anguish and mourn the losses but ALSO celebrate the wins.

Thanks for reading and all my solidarity to all of you who are going through it these days. I see you and understand all the feels and at least we're not alone!