Why do i feel like this? What is this fealing?

I cant understand what this fealing is, its a very wierd thing i wont be able to explain to its fullest. Im a complete mess, and a bitch, my life is basicly just, school, jerk off to porn, play video games, and repeat, im a looser. For some reason, i am completely "in love" with self pity, there isnt a single day where i dont feel sorry for myself, or just imagine bad stuff hapening to me, i love self pity so much, most people fantasise a lot about having a perfect life, being rich getting all the girls....etc But me on the other hand stay entire nights fantasising and making up situations where my life is horrible, i fantasise getting cheated on, being atacked, betraided, and keep submerged in complete self pity. A lot of times, when i have a problem that i know i can resolve if i put enough work, like getting jacked, geting girls, study, leran an instrument,i willingly saboutage myself, and do absolutely nothing and just so i can keep being in my corner sad and with self pity. For example, getting girls, i have lots of friends who have lost theyr virginity and talk t ogirls on a regular basis, they message girls and talk to them in real life. But me, i cant talk to girls, i honestly dont know how to, everytime a woman engages in any type of conversation with me i get extremely nervous, the only woman i talk to is my mom, and i know if i saw a video or two, or actualy tried to talk to girls maybe i could end this, but for some reason i feel atracted to being sad, to being lonely, depressed, and to completely lose myself in self pity. I think i like to be sad, i like to feel extreme anger and get to nowhere, a lot of times something bad happends i willingly tell myself things that i know arent right, but i keep telling them to myself so im angryer, things like "woman are all the same", "nothing makes sense", "its all hopeless", i intensionaly "blind" myself and give myself awnswers that i dont believe are right and that only make me angrier. I hate failing, everytime i fail i get extremely angry, even on litte things, when my phone falls down, i get so angry i feel lke picking it up just to throw it to the ground again, i sometimes try t ointensionaly fail, to get angry.

I dont know why i am like this, or what this is, its a fealing i cant understand, i wasnt able to trully express how i feel in this post but its the better thing i came up with.