AIO: My boyfriend always sexualises me and wants to have sex even though I’m not in the mood

Hi everyone! This is going to be kind of long and I’m not English so I’m sorry in advance for any grammatical errors. This is a throwaway account.

Me (22F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together for almost two years. We don’t live together, but we’re planning to do so next year, when I finish uni. What concerns me is his sexual libido. Here are some things he does:

1. EVERYTIME he comes over to my house and we go up the stairs he grabs my butt or my vagina and he moans jokingly. That also happened a few days ago, when my mom was also coming with us (not directly behind him, a few steps back).

2. When we first got together and started having sleepovers, as soon as we would wake up in the morning he would take my hand and place it on his dick, just for me to see that he was hard, or he would touch my vagina. This has stopped now.

3. 8 out of 10 times when we’re laying down, cuddling and watching something on tv, he will grab my boob or my butt or again, my vagina.

4. Every single time we’ve met up at a house these 2 years we will have sex AT LEAST one time, except when i’m on the first days of my period (because i don’t feel comfortable with it) and except 2-3 other times because HE was tired.

5. One time I was out till 6 am with my mom, my aunts and my cousins and I had woken up at 6am the previous day, so I was 24 hours without sleep. My eyes were closing. We had agreed that he would come to sleep over when I got home. He came, I told him I was very tired and if we could just sleep, and he said yes. Then he started “kissing me goodnight” which obviously escalated to sex, even though I was deathly tired. When it was over, he said “now we can go to sleep”.

And that brings us to the actual incident which led me to write and post this. I have exams for the next 2 weeks so I’ve been studying non-stop and I’m very stressed. At the same time, I have a clothes moth infestation in my house which I’m trying to cope with. So my stress, honestly, is through the roof for the past month.

Two days ago, I had an anxiety attack about the moths wondering if they’ll ever be gone, so I called him and asked him to come over and sleep here, because I feel more calm and safe with him. He has been really supportive through this and has slept over multiple times because I was scared. So, he comes over, we eat, watch something and then I’m like “okay, let’s go to sleep because I have to wake up early to study and I’m exhausted”. He says okay. Starts kissing me, I stop, tell him I’m not in the mood, he says okay. Continues to kiss me, obviously leads to sex, which I stop after a while because I felt awful. I started crying and told him “how many times do i have to tell you I’m not in the mood for you to respect it?”. And he just says “I’m sorry, you’re right, I just can’t resist you, you know that”, which, at the time, honestly felt DISGUSTING to hear.

After this, I had another anxiety attack about the moths, exams, and him and I was bawling my eyes out while he held me. Afterwards, I said “It’s okay, I also continued it when you started kissing me so it’s fine” and we made up.

It’s been two days and I can’t help thinking if I was raped. I’ve cried a lot, asked myself WHY just WHY can’t he respect my wishes? I really felt like he took advantage of how vulnerable I was at that moment.

Except this, he has been great. Always supports me through tough times, loves me to death, we do activities together, go on trips, talk about being soulmates, talk about marriage, kids and life together till we’re old. In the past few months, I actually felt really great in this relationship. I have ocd, so I do wonder a lot of times how he puts up with me and my mood swings, my anxiety and fears and how precious he is because he has never, not once, gotten mad or yelled at me. He’s the most patient person I know.

But this has just thrown me off so much, I feel sick to my stomach and worried about the future. Breaking up has crossed my mind. I wonder if I’m maybe overreacting? If the things I mentioned above are supposed to happen in every relationship. I would love some advice because I’m really lost.

I feel like if I read this post somewhere I would be like “girl that man raped you, you deserve much better, leave him” but I can’t seem to give the same advice to myself because I love him very much and I’m attached to him. He has become a part of my everyday life and I remember how bad I felt and how much time it took me to get over my ex when we broke up.

Thank you guys in advance for taking the time to read this and reply. ❤️‍🩹