I betrayed my bestfriend. I cannot forgive myself.

This happened way back in highschool. We just finished our research project during that time and his girlfriend is one of my classmate in our research project.

The night after our research defense we were on my bestfriend's house to celebrate and we had a lot of drink. We had fun and we were the typical drunk highschool students after surviving a hell week from school.

We were in his bedroom, all of us together with her girlfriend. My bestfriend left the room and her gf started crying out of nowhere and me being a people pleaser, I tried to comfort his gf while crying. Idk why but I suddenly kissed her on her lips :3 Knowing I'm too drunk and I was not able to control my impulsiveness during that time. This happened 7 years ago and I think I'm still not over it cuz why the fuck did I do such thing? I AM SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON.

That was the beginning of my downfall actually. I didn't go to school after that night. I dropped out of highschool even when I'm about to graduate... I was embarassed because of shame and guilt that I was feeling back then. I don't blame the alcohol cuz I should've known better. I didn't even asked for an apology, I just disappeared for 3 years. I quit school, I didn't go out. Like literally, I locked myself up inside my room for 3 years.

Years have passed, I still cannot forgive myself on what I did back then. I did psychedelics to understand why did I do that horrible thing... and what I found out during my spiritual and self development journey was me being an insecure douche bag who only knew to take take take... I actually idolize my bestfriend because he was pretty good in everything he does and the only thing to show my dominance was actually doing that horrible thing to his girlfriend... Insecurity at its finest.

I wanna move forward but I really cannot bring my present self to forgive my past self who didn't know any better back then. That was a fucking sexual assault and I cannot imagine the trauma that I gave to my bestfriend and to his girlfriend. Idk what to do and I still looking for a way to atone for my sins.