mentally ill brother is draining our family, and i’m getting frustrated instead of worried

i’m posting on here to hopefully receive some advice or find understanding in the case that someone else has experienced the same thing.

some backstory; my (22F) brother (21M) has had a middle class - upper middle class upbringing with supportive, well-meaning parents. i struggled with my mental health during my early teenage years, but got incredible support and have now been living independently for a couple of years. my brother has always been on the quieter side and has never talked much with me or our parents. we were close as kids, but lost contact as we grew older. he has been struggling with his mental health for about three years, and was also diagnosed with autism at the beginning of this. he’s still living at my parents house, but is studying some physics courses and has had some part time jobs ahead of applying for a full university programme this fall. a red thread within this period of mental illness had been that he has strong difficulties expressing his emotions, feels lonely, and largely blames our parents for the way things have turned out. i personally feel that he has never really made an effort to take the first steps in helping us helping him, even though my parents have supported him by getting him therapy, autism groups, doing his chores, letting him watch movies all day, etc.

he has been in the psychiatric hospital since about one month ago after a mental breakdown at the university he attends. he got let go last friday, but according to my parents he’s been deeply depressed since then. my mom’s best friend died yesterday of cancer, and in a moment of frustration she (understandably!) rased her voice at him - which caused a panic attack. he’s currently back at the hospital together with my dad to discuss the next steps with a doctor. it is completely impossible to put any type of pressure on him at all. he visited me this fall and had a fit on a crowded street where he cried and screamed because, after he told me he’s not interested in politics, told him i think he should read up on it, as i personally believe everyone in our position has a responsibility to do so. something i thought was a discussion suddenly became a personal attack. i hate to admit it, but i was more embarrassed and frustrated rather than sad or worried, because the act seemed so childish and uncalled for. i tried my best not to express this to him. (it feels noteworthy to say that his autism is type 1, not an obvious disability.)

i’m getting incredibly frustrated. i, of course, have a rational understanding of the fact that our brains are different, we experience depression differently, we experience relationships differently, we experienced our childhood differently. i understand that i can’t understand his experience like it was my own and that my way of handling things is not the best for him. yet, i can’t help but feel like he’s acting incredibly immature and (although i understand that this is a symptom of depression), and that he’s seemingly unable to adress his own faults or actions that have led him to the situation he’s in and that it’s his own actions that are going to bring him out of it. this is a 21 year old man, not a child!! he needs to take accountability and understand that the only person that can change this is himself, not blame our parents who are on their tippy toes at every moment, or his friends who he has given up contact with, or anyone else. i don’t even feel like i can question his way of thinking, even if it would do him well, as this would just send him into another spiral.

do i keep trying to be there for him emotionally, or is there any advice or way of handling this that would be more beneficial for everyone? i want him to live a happy life (and realize that a happy life does not mean being happy all the time), and for my parents to focus on themselves for once. i’m also struggling with my self image as i feel like a terrible sister who isn’t more worried, and more angry rather than sad.

i’m very thankful for any answers!