I think I have to leave.

I’m so sickened by who I’ve become in this relationship. As long as I don’t pry, as long as I don’t get triggered, as long as I continue to just fake the funk…. We’re good. Really good. Perfection, honestly. But, when my meter of faking runs out… it’s all fuckery. I become horrible. I’ve turned into an abuser. I understand, it’s probably reaction abuse etc. but I just hate it. I’m soaking in the bathtub because I’m sore from another physical altercation w my husband. Because I was triggered. My husband ignored me. Ensure me yelling, shouting, then the escalation of shoving. I’m not a fearful woman, I fight right back. But this time I got body slammed. I’m
Sore as fuck. Bruised up. I’m aware, it’s bad. I just need to finally get the fuck out. 3 kids. A baby. No job. Nothing. He refuses to get any sex addiction recovery help because it’s what “I think is right” aka because I say it, how he chooses to get help isn’t the “correct” way. I say see a CSAT? He gripes and decided to go to an LPC. I say go to meetings in person? He complains and chooses to go only on the phone. The behavior hasn’t changed. Not really. Not deep down.

The “cycle” of my breakdowns… he’s saying he’s used to it now. We’re good for months, then I’m just randomly out of nowhere triggered and then I freak out and then we go back to normal. So that’s all it is, just me being a crazy bitch I guess. So therefore, there’s no consequence still. So I guess I have to be the one to pack mine and and my kids shit up. Leave our home. Our dog. Our yard. And then what, get an extended stay hotel? This is so so fucked up. To be with someone who can’t do ANYTHING except say he busts his ass at work. Like. Idk man. Why doesn’t anyone really go into how the betrayed can end up an abuser after staying? This shit needs to be illegal. I hate my life dude.

Why can’t he just say he wants to divorce me! Why can’t he just get the help that has been PROVEN to help addicts? Why is it just… fuck. Why is it like this?