Where do I go after DV. Feeling guilty (a more tldr version)

Part of Me Feels Guilty. Why?

Still kinda long, but it gets to the point.

I (F38) and my spouse (MTF37) have been married 15 years this June and have been verbally fighting nonstop. This past week, I'm sitting in my bed due to depression and, I'll call them David, has plans to go out with our mutual friend to the movies right around bedtime for the kids. It's late, and I'm on Facebook, just scrolling. I found a joke I thought my son (9 years old) would like, and we start laughing. I try to tell David this joke, and they're being odd. They've got their back to me, no emotions, nothing. My son says "Dad's sad cuz he watched a sad episode of Bluey." And I'm like, oh okay, and leave it at that. It's about time for David to leave, and they stand in my doorway and plainly say "come out to watch the kids." And there's something off. So I go "whats the matter?" They don't respond. Instantly, I'm like, okay, this might turn into something, but I try again. "Come on, what's the matter." Again, nothing. So, I'm getting a little frustrated cause they're just not talking to me. I ask "are you going to tell me?" They don't respond. So, I'm like fine. I'm not gonna play games. I squeeze past them to watch the kids and don't say anything. Suddenly, they pipe up. They ask me why don't I push harder to find out whats wrong. I told them because I'm not playing games with you. I asked twice what the matter was and whether or not they were going to tell me. Either tell me or don't, I'm not going to play games. They get mad at me for not pushing hard enough and start calling me names. We go back and forth like this for a moment, with my eldest son getting now concerned. David then jolts forward and shouts "F!$# YOU" as loud as they can an inch from my face. I got scared and my left fist came up and hit them in the jaw. I was so scared they were going to hit me, and so shocked that I reacted the way I did. Halfway to hitting them, I remembered thinking, "Oh my god, what am I doing?" and loosened my fist.

David slid to the ground in shock. I didn't knock them to the ground, they just slid down muttering "you hit me." I was done. I told them they had to leave (they were leaving anyway). They refused. They told me I needed to leave. And I said not without my kids. We went back and forth, mind you our kids are now crying because of this. David blocks our eldest behind them so that he can't get his shoes and come with me. So, I grab our 3-year-old first, wanting to find a way yo get our eldest, too. David, apparently, was not having that. They grab our 3-year-old as well and start this tug-of-war with our younger son. I'm freaking out like, what do I do? But before I can make a choice, David grabs my hair (I have dreadlocks) and yanks my head, making me fall backwards while holding our younger son. I let go, and the baby slips from our grasp as David pulls me to the ground and starts punching me in my face. I return some blows to their face as well. Our kids are screaming at this point. At some point during our arguing, we both threatened to call 911, and I guess David hit dial as we hit the floor because I could hear someone on the phone. So, I shout, "I'm being attacked!" Evenyually, David gets off of me and sits on the couch. They call 911, and so do I. They then got up and took both our sons into their bedrooms, and locked the door.

I told the cops everything, and I was so ready for them to arrest me since I technically landed the first blow. But at some point, while talking to me, they arrested my spouse and took them away.

I watched their first court hearing on zoom the next day and heard the judge read David’s side of the story. I don't know why, but I thought David would have owned up to what they did, but instead was still blaming me. I've been wondering ever since if I was actually in the wrong. CPS got involved and basically told me to "do the right thing." I went to a support center for people going through this to get some help as well.

After the court hearing, the prosecutor asked if I wanted to pursue charges. I was panicking. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want one night to ruin them. David had also just found out that the university wasn't going to renew their contract, and this coming year was going to be their last year. So, they were already having a hard time and were going to appeal it. The prosecutor gave me an extra 3 hours to decide since David's second court hearing was the following day, and they needed an answer. I eventually decided not to pursue charges but to get a protection order civilly.

That same night, David was escorted by police to our place to pick up some things. I. Lost. It. I could not stop crying. I could not look at them. I just was a wreck. The kids keep asking about where their dad is and when they're coming home. Our younger son doesn't know many words but keeps saying, "Where's dad?" I'm heartbroken.

That night, the kids and I (mostly I) decide to leave David a message. We mostly watch YouTube and have it on our TV. It's David's account. I know David likes to watch a bunch of stuff and often goes through their history to rewatch things. So, we used videos to leave a message. I looked up videos that had single words as a title card so David could see it in their watch history. We found four videos and watched them so that the history would read "we love you David" on the video title cards. Cheesy, sure, but I wanted David to know we were still thinking about them despite everything.

So, back to the protection order. In order for the criminal no contact order to seamlessly move to a civil no contacr order, I needed to file paperwork before 1pm the next day, which was when David was scheduled to be in court. I went to the advocacy support group that morning and spent the whole time filling out paperwork. The lady there started scanning the papers at 12:50. Needless to say, I've been on edge the whole morning. But it went through, and the judge informed David that I was going to pursue a civil no contact order.

So, David has been staying with a woman they've been physical with behind my back, but I didn't know that at first. It's four days later, and the police have tried multiple times to serve David the papers for the protection order. Since I didn't know for sure where David was staying until three days ago, when I filled out the paperwork, I gave our address. The problem now is that as of two days ago, David is in Canada....!!! They were already planning to go to Canada for two weeks before everything happened. They just happened to get out of jail in time to go. So, now they're there, the police can't serve them the papers, and I'm wondering what's going to happen now. They can't go to our court date if they don't know about it. There is a temporary order in place now, but now what?

I'm also all over the place emotionally. I want to do the right thing for my kids. I don't think David would ever hurt them (although now I'm not too sure), I just feel like there's a lot of anger and drinking involved that they need help with. They were seeing a counselor at some point but, for some reason, stopped going. They said they were waiting for a trauma therapist because they had a very traumatic childhood, but the therapist was booked months out. When I filled out the civil protection order, I set it for two months (knowing that I can amendment it if needed). The reason was that at the time, I just wanted to see them make steps towards improvement. But then, I found out through our mutual friend that David heard from the trauma therapist the morning the incident happened and had an appointment the following week! So, now I'm like, "Well damn! They got help after all." So, like, what do I do now? Is this good enough to drop the order? Is there some invisible threshold I should wait for to feel safe with my kids around them? Also, I need help with the kids. They don't listen to me, and I'm already working off years of feeling like I can't do basic things around the house. Also, I feel kind of hurt that David went to Canada anyway, like it's just business as usual with them. I'm all over emotionally. I don't know if David and I can recover from this, and honestly, I'm preparing myself for another self-admitted trip to the hospital once they can see the kids again.

I don't know what I'm actually asking for. Maybe some insight or opinions. I'm just a wreck and want to feel peace again.

Posted Jun 10, 2026, 4:30 PM UTC