Struggling to decide to contact her

me and my ex broke up about 10 months ago from a very healthy relationship. she broke up with me due to religious differences and her moving to college. other than that it was a very influential relationship to me and I know it was for her too. she used to tell me that after time to heal, we’d speak or talk bit by bit again but that was last September. since then I’ve been the one mainly reaching out asking how she was. shes treated me pretty coldly though and I feel like I blame myself for a lot of things that maybe isn’t my fault but because of the coldness and rudeness she’s shown me it makes me think that maybe there were things she didn’t tell me or maybe there were serious problems I needed to address relating to our relationship.

it’s been super difficult coping because of her reaching out to my friends wanting to catch up but feeling like I’m left behind. I just want to call her and know for sure if she wants nothing to do with me so I don’t have to keep hoping for a friendship or a mutual relationship.

yesterday out of anxiety, I sent her a text explaining that I needed to block her due to the hope I still had for a friendship and just not knowing what she wanted with our dynamic going forwards. she’s ghosted me but I really want to call her today and finally close this chapter if she just says to my face that she doesn't wanna be friends or want me in her life. I haven’t been able to move on because of thinking she’ll come back and reconcile with me