I want you

AJ,

I really like you. I think you’re the funniest person I know and I wanna know everything about you. I like that we flirt with each other now, even if it’s mildly. And I really, really like that you wanna talk to me so much, because all the time that you’re not I’m wishing you were. My feelings for you are a bit complicated for me, so I want to write them all down and maybe gain some clarity, and leave it for you.

You told me years ago that’s how it starts. And those things go away, but I’ve been thinking about how I’d really not like for it to go away, and that’s how I know that we can never say it. The moment one of us crosses a line, it’s over, the tension between us is so important for making things fun. Even if somehow we decided to pursue it then, we would have to face that reality you told me, where the addiction to one another fades away.

I like being addicted to you. I find you beautiful in so many ways, but I think your personality is a complete 10. And I can’t get enough of it. But at the same time I’ve struggled so much lately to keep my cool around you. You’ve kept so many conversations going and initiated them yourself, and I need that because I’m crumbling.

I think this change in my feelings is related to a change our dynamic. I don’t know that there was a point when we were at our closest that I didn’t find you alluring, but there was a greater openness between us because neither of us were available. And I know you’re still not, so I wonder why you flirt with me now. I wasn’t comfortable with myself before, was that it? Was I more of an abstraction then?

Most of all I have to consider that maybe nothing changed. Maybe your flirting is innocuous and to think it could mean anything more is just demonstrating how insecure I actually am in relationships, that a person acting entirely normal while in a relationship could be considered flirting.

If you weren’t in a relationship, I’m not sure what I’d do. Maybe flirt a little more openly, but I’m not sure I’d tell you still. You seem like the kind of person to think it’s not a big deal if the feelings weren’t mutual, but it would ruin that dynamic. It might ruin our friendship as a whole.

But what if they were mutual? You live so unbelievably far away, nothing could be done about it. What would I be meant to do, go out and live with you, embed myself in your life? I’ve lived long enough to know that isn’t possible. It’s your life though, so maybe it really doesn’t matter how much of it I didn’t have in common. Maybe this is just a philosophy in romance in general. But I also have no security to offer you. You want peace of mind, you need money, and I don’t have it. You said you wanted to run away from everything once, despite all the security. I think it’d end up fine, but it would probably have nothing to do with what you left your old life for. So you should’t come to me either, if you ever get the chance.

But again, there is no chance. And there’s no chance I spoil things, because I know what I want right now is to keep wanting you. But I know how good it can feel to say. So if something happens to me and I never change my mind and we never end up sharing, I just want you to know, I really like you AJ. I have the biggest crush on you in the world, and I know I shouldn’t feed it but I can’t stay away. I hope the people in your life who are allowed to tell you do tell you just how amazing you are. Lord knows it’ll be a sad day when I finally do it.

Yours truly,

Don’t Pretend You Don’t Know