Title

Not a horny post just don’t feel like writing in my diary rn so posting it here

Fighting demons (romantic yearning)

I got too much affection built up it’s time to get a cat or a dog fr. I just get so scared of them dying or getting sick but I guess the love is worth the inevitable pain.

I hate how needy I am for everything all the fuckin time (thanks moon in Leo). I just want… I long… I fiend. And I keep it so hidden in my day to day life because I’m a Girlboss™️ but it’s kind of killing me. I yearnnnnn for some softness in my life sooooo badly. I cannot help having enormous feelings and I also feel like I need to hide them most of the time to not freak other people out (thanks moon in 8th house) 🤦🏿‍♀️.

I wish I could just be more casual and cool about things and less intense I guess lol. I’m always coming across avoidant when in my heart I don’t want to be I just don’t want to scare the other person orrr I feel too strongly too soon (which again… scares the other person) and this isn’t just a romance thing like I’m like. This with all my human relationships. 🤦🏿‍♀️ I’ll never forget talking with a friend and being like ‘I’m a pretty nonchalant/non confrontational person’ and he cut me off soooo fast LAUGHING his ass off like ‘girl you’re the most chalant and confrontational person I know’ LMFAOAAOA like. Genuinely Gagged me. Maybe someone out there likes that but I doubt it bc it’s been 28 years and I have not found them LOL.

Yes I know what ROCD is. yes I try to do the internal work to not be this person, I’m just venting.

Don’t really have a point to all this lol I’m just lonely and seeing the ways I perpetuate it myself and self sabotage. Don’t really have any solutions other than just trying to process my intensity and focus it on myself rather than my external relationships. Much easier said than done btw. Oh well, another Wednesday.