Please help me!

On just about all of my posts, everyone has pointed out that my husband is abusive and that I should divorce him or asked me why did I marry him.

I married him because I love him and he is the father of my children and I wanted a stable family but I guess I was just delusional for thinking that we could be a big happy family. After we married, things got much worse in his ideology and behavior. He’s way more aggressive and erratic and he’s aware of it.

The thing is I’ve always told myself that if I get married, I only want to do it once. I don’t want to go thru a divorce. But I quickly started second guessing things on our wedding day and the days leading up to it but I went thru with it anyway. And because I did, I’ve been trying to push the thought of divorce out of my head but my spirit just feels so conflicted.

For starters, I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t know how he would react or what he’s capable of. I would like to believe that he would never harm me or our children but at the same time I don’t trust it. Also, I do not have close friends or any family because my entire family is extremely controlling as well so I do not associate with any of them. They don’t live in my state anyway, except my sister who I have an active protective order against. I have a car, we just moved into a new home a week ago and I have a source of income thru my business.

The other part of me feels bad because he doesn’t have family or friends either. He works from home, he doesn’t have a car or his own (we share my car), so if he were to leave, I don’t know where he would go or what he would do. I do care about his wellbeing and safety and I don’t want our kids to be hurt and sad also so it hurtful to think of us not being together.

And ultimately, I just don’t know how I could even separate smoothly from him. Leaving abruptly seems terrifying and unrealistic because he’s always home and he doesn’t really let me go out with all of the kids by myself especially while pregnant so it would be suspicious. If I tried while he was away, it would be difficult because I wouldn’t have access to my car or car seats. And I highly doubt he would willing leave.

All I know is that things have been progressively getting worse over the past 6 weeks or so and I don’t predict that anything will be getting better soon because of the state of mind he’s been in lately. He’s been hot and cold and almost manic at times randomly and every time I see him I don’t know what to expect. One minute he trying to joke around with me then the next he’s screaming and slamming doors and blaming me for things that I don’t even have control over.

I’m scared to bring a new baby into this. Also we won’t know the gender until it’s born in 2 months and I think if it’s a boy and I try to leave, things will be 10x worse because we only have girls and he really wants a boy. If that happens and he feels like I’m taking that from him, idk what he would do.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what my options are. Please if anyone has been in this situation or has some solid advice for me, help me because I really just don’t know and I almost feel like the only way to escape is if one of us is not alive anymore. 😪

TLDR: I know that I’m not in the safest and most loving marriage. I have no friends or family and I don’t know how I could safely get out. I’m scared, I’m worried and I don’t know why resources are available for me and my children’s protection if I decide that I need to leave. And my husband becoming more aggressive and erratic as the days go by. Please help me!!