Will i ever love my life?

Will I ever love my life?

I'll preface this by saying I'm gonna complain and it might sound minor but it's just my rant.

I am 28 M, I'm from somewhere in Africa. i was lucky to be born in a nice family, where we all love each other, and i have never seen my parents fight, me and my siblings have never suffered any type of abuse from the family, etc. At 18 i was fortunate because my parents were able to send me to study abroad. After getting my bachelors, i started working and i managed to pay my way through getting a masters degree. I then moved back home in order to save and move permanently to a first world country.

I currently have a pretty good job. It's long hours, i can work anywhere between 40 and 65 hours a week. I try my best to put in at least 60 every week because i'm trying to save as much as possible. I make as much as a minister here officially makes so i'm pretty good financially. But i'm unhappy. I don’t have any motivation for absolutely anything in my soul. I'm only driven by obligation. I hated studying, yet i did it because otherwise i'm a failure. I hate working but i do it because i need to save and move since if i don’t and build a family here, my kids will have the same shit passport that has been the bane of my existence and i would consider myself a failure if that happens. I hate going to the gym. So much. Yet i have been consistent at it for the past 3 years because i've been on the other side of fit and i hated everything about me and if i become unfit again i will consider myself a failure. The worst part is i don't judge anyone else by these standards. I consider myself to be very non judgemental

I've thought that maybe i'm this way because i don’t really have any hobbies. But i don’t have the energy for anything after my long hours. I want to date but hell no. I've had 2 serious relationships, and they both ended on good terms because of reasons that had nothing to do with either of us. I've been told i'm an amazing partner. But everytime i think about getting out there i realise i have nothing in terms of energy to entertain something like that. I've moved back to my country after 10 years away and i lost contact with almost all my friends from teenage. Even the few i met when i came back, i realised we're different people from when we were friends and the chemistry simply wasn’t there so i don’t have friends here.

So here i am, 28, above average looking, a very healthy bank account but i'm a husk of a human being. The worst is that i tried to remember the last time i was happy and there's nothing that comes to mind. All my life has been about obligations. I am so so tired deep inside and my biggest worry is "what if this is just me?". What if i manage to move and i'm still this way because i set myself more goals that will burn me out? I really want life, i want love more than anything. i know i make people around me very happy but when will i be happy? I keep telling myself once i move and get a stable job, and settle and be with someone, i'll find some kind of satisfaction but what if i don't? I've been doing therapy for 5 years now but i feel like i'm not getting anywhere.

The worst is i'm the most smiley upbeat person in most rooms i'm in so nobody knows. And i couldn't tell this to people around me because mental health and feelings are a minor thing here and everybody deep down will be "stfu you're doing good" or bring up people who are struggling more than me. So here i am writing a post on reddit that nobody might see but if you do read up to here, thank you. This is something i really needed to get off my chest