How to get through the guilt of my decision

I 24 (F) am getting a sedated abortion in two days and I haven’t been able to stop crying about it for the past two weeks. I’m 9 weeks along the father is my ex boyfriend (M 26) who was my first ever partner. I found out I was pregnant a couple weeks after we broke up. I’ve been dealing with the grief of him cheating on me with an 18 year old and when I told him about the pregnancy he said he wanted a paternity test since he didn’t know who I had been with which was no one we were together for almost two years and lived together for one. He then said he wanted nothing with the baby even if it was his and said he was going to change his number so I couldn’t find him or contact him. a week later he emailed me saying he wanted me to keep the baby and I was ending his baby’s life if I did not continue with the pregnancy. He was extremely terrible the entirety of the relationship pressuring me to do things I didn’t want to and overall narcissistic jealous controlling behavior. And when I thought about having to bring a baby to life whose done no wrong to have a father like that I feel so heartbroken because I grew up with a father like that and I still struggle to this day because of it I can still see all my wounds from growing up like that. I know I’m making the right choice by not keeping my baby because I’m not financially or emotionally ready and the circumstances are beyond terrible. Yet I keep dreaming about having a baby daughter and I even dreamt about having a baby girl a few days before I found out I was pregnant and I struggle to sleep through the night because of it. I even dreamt I didnt live through the birth of my baby two days after my ex was spam calling me and my mom for hours through no caller ID and I went to bed with horrible cramps and woke up with the bed covered so I was rushed to the ER and they told me it was a miracle I hadn’t miscarried and that my baby still had a heartbeat. How do I deal with the grief and guilt of what I’m doing after my baby being a miracle I haven’t even done it yet and I already feel like I can’t function and am isolating myself completely from everyone. Why does it hurt so much if it’s the right logical choice? Does it get better? If he wasn’t the father I feel like I could figure everything else out but with him being a stalker and predator how could I ever do that to my baby.