The idea of self love is disgusting to me

I am only talking about myself not for other people it’s great they have it but it’s something that doesn’t work for me. When I hear self love I hear having to love myself and the thought makes me repulsed. You’re telling me I have to love \*this\* why on earth would I love \*this\*? Just a huge letdown is all I am. I’ve been let down by so many people and I am no different from them. You cannot truly have faith in others or they’ll leave or screw you over in some way. As for myself I’m just a failure outside of a passion of mine I’m not really capable of anything else, I have no achievements, no stable connections or practical skills. Overall I’m just useless looking at my life I think of how I wanted things to be and how I continue to fail, fail and fail. One of the feelings I experience most is disappointment, I am a disappointment so how can anyone expect to me love this. Whether I was born a failure or the circumstances pushed into failing at the end of day I’m steering the ship and I disappoint. Self love is just not an option