How do I (31F) rebuild sexual intimacy with my husband (34M) after it’s been lost?

*Long-ish post alert*

My post from a few months ago got deleted, so there’s unfortunately no context. But to summarize what prompted this current post, I have been with my husband for 8 years (dated for 6, married for 2). Our sex life overall had been decent enough but mostly unfulfilling for me (meaning no orgasm in our entire relationship). For a long time I didn’t mind because pleasuring him was enough, but when I started feeling less inclined to have sex or even want to, every so often my husband would pout, give me the silent treatment, or be a bit cold until I gave him what he wanted (sex) and then suddenly everything was hunky dory again. Unreciprocated sexual pleasure became this area of contingency between us. I tried to explain my reasons for feeling disconnected and my sexual needs, but he took it all as a slight towards him so I’d learned to just shut up and go along grudgingly (not the best or healthiest response, I know).

Well this situation blew up a few months ago where I called him out for the dozenth time and basically said sex with him wasn’t enjoyable anymore because I just felt like a hole he used to get off, never once making me feel like my pleasure was a priority so excuse me for not jumping at the idea to be jackhammered with no pleasure. It did finally click inside his head where he no longer asked for sex and if I didn’t initiate, he didn’t pout anymore or treat me any differently. He also seemed to be more interested in experimenting with different toys in the bedroom that would help me orgasm.

For a bit it was nice and actually got me in the mood more often, but I realized that only happened when I had the help of alcohol or weed. When I’m completely sober, the thought of having sex with him creates instant anxiety and stress.

Even though he doesn’t pressure me or throw a fit if I say no anymore, I feel like the damage that had brewed and festered for a majority of our relationship is done and I’m at a loss for how to bring that spark back. I used to have a healthy, overactive libido that’s now been reduced to almost nothing. I can use a toy by myself everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and orgasm each time, but the thought of sex itself is a turnoff.

Has anyone been in this position before? I know sometimes marriages can get stale and it takes effort to keep the spark alive, but we’re still young and technically newlyweds. I was expecting these problems to happen much further down the line.

If anyone can offer advice or feedback, I’m open to dialogue. Thanks!