My friends never prioritize me like I prioritize them

I know i’m being irrational right now but I feel kind of gutted, whenever they message me I jump to reply back to them right that second even if it’s inconvenient, especially if they sound distressed or are having a bad day. I don’t want them to be alone to face negative emotions by themselves and feel as supported as possible. But sometimes I feel like that sort of urgency isn’t reciprocated for me and I usually let it go but for some reason today I just feel especially sad and frustrated about it.

my friends often vent to me pretty often because I do my best to let them know i’ll always hear them out if they need someone, so every once in a while if I have a bad day ill send one or two short messages expressing sadness or anxiety about something… and I won’t hear back from them all day and I genuinely wouldn’t mind if I didn’t know that they’ve been active on their socials, and not busy that day. They don’t have jobs or go to school right now, I know they can spare me some time.. and yet they don’t and it just gets to me a little. I’ll be in the middle of a lecture at school and ill stop taking notes to talk them through a difficult moment, ill drop everything if it means I can be there for them and yet I feel like im always just an afterthought, like a chump constantly forcing myself ro go through humiliation rituals.

today I had a moment wher I felt really distressed and alone at the time, I really needed reassurance, not even alot I just needed to know I wasn’t alone. But its been hours since then and still no reply, I see them tweeting on twitter though. I feel even worse than I did before now. why won’t people give me the effort I give them it makes me so upset sometimes, I give people my all i dont even ask they do that but at the very least Id like to know they see me as worthy enough to be there for me the way Im there for them. It just hurts so much.

and of course I would express this to them. I never want to make them feel bad and in my heart i dont even feel like im someone worth standing up for myself I dont wanna impose on their lives that much I dont wanna be anyones burden but fuck it hurts sometimes. Why cant I ever be anyones priority, should i just stop trying for them? I dont even want to, I care about them so much I dont want them to be alone cause i know how much it fucking sucks but why cant people also see that it hurts for me too, why does no one seem to care that i feel lonely sometimes i wonder if i killed myself theyd finally realize how much ive been holding back with them.

im such a baby but fuck im tired of it i wish i wasnt wired like this is it really me though i dont even know i just feel like isolating myself i even wonder if i did if they wouod reach out to me. why do i feel like its always me taking the initiative. im so fucking tired