The loss of my cousin hurts

I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my problems or what's on my mind as of late. But, one of the biggest, most painful "event" was the loss of my cousin, and that really broke my heart.

You see, I struggled with Depression and having Suicidal thoughts, and I was tired of feeling lonely, but then, on May 14th, my family and I found out that my cousin had passed from suicide...and that broke me in the inside. I remember all day, I couldn't cry, I felt incredibly sad but no tears could come out, and while I was in the middle of my shift at work, it just hit me all at once, I just couldn't stop crying, because the thought of my cousin no longer living on this world, just hurts to even think about, even now I can feel my throat hurting and my eyes wanting to cry.

I am 20 years old and he was 19 years old when he passed, and honestly, I was not ready for a family death yet, especially from one of my close cousins, I had already cherished and loved all the time I spent with family but with this new perspective that we could all pass any day, without saying goodbye, just hurts, And with the pass of him, my perspective on suicide has changed. Before I wanted to end it because I felt lonely, but being on the receiving end from a suicide, I don't think I can ever go through with it.

But it just breaks my heart to think of all of our memories together. He was so young and not ready to die, but nothing can change that now, I just wish I had spent more time with him, and the one thing that constantly comes to my mind, is why didn't I go to his sisters wedding. She was getting married, and our entire family went down to where they live and they all had a great time, but I stayed back because of school and work...but I just wish, that I could have gone, that I should have gone, I wanted to go, for his sister, yes, but to also see him, my cousin. Since he and I don't live in the same state, we don't get to see each other that often, and I only have had spent time with him a good handful of times. And with my stupid short team memory/trash memory bank, I only have a small handful of memories with him in my mind.

I just wish I could see him again. We had the funeral for him back in May, and I couldn't go, it broke my heart to even learn of his death, and then to go to his funeral, I am not ready for that yet. And it probably was best I didn't go, we had a live stream for his funeral and I threw up midway through. To this day, I don't know if was a emotional reaction or if I had eaten something bad.

He was a very nice person, who helped/volunteered at a food bank helping the residence there. None of us saw his death coming. I know he's gone now, but I hope he knows that his family loves him very much. I may not be religious but IF there is a afterlife, I hope he can find peace, and who knows, maybe we will meet each other in the next life. Thank you for reading/listening to me vent.