i wish people loved me like i love them

hi everyone, im jules, 18f. i've struggled with loneliness my whole life.

my friends, im going to call them mia, grace, julia. its not their real names so please dont try and find them.

i've been friends with all of them for a year. we hung out 24/7 and went to high school together. mia knew me in 4th grade and we drifted a lot but during middle school i always tried to talk to mia because we had classes 6/7/8th grade but it was like i was invisible, id always try to say hi and she would ignore me. then, junior year comes rolling around and i'm in mia's spanish 1 class. i'm mexican so she makes a joke like "oh thank god i have someone to help me in this class", and i'm very confused because i havent seen mia since 8th grade since we had p.e together and she would still ignore me daily to talk to my best friend zara. junior year i was really only her science and spanish buddy, but we barely talked outside of class. she did help me get out of my toxic relationship with this girl alicia who ironically, i broke up with because she ignored me and used me for my body. i tried talking to her best friend julia. everytime i would say hi and hows your day going julia would look at me and tell me to fuck off. later on, senior year rolls around and we all get close to each other, me mia julia and mia's friend grace. it was fine because we all had english together. they claimed im their best friend, but i dont feel like im treated on the same level as them. when anyone in the friend group is upset and cries, all of us ask her if shes okay and insist everything will be okay. when im upset, i get one question and when i say im not, everyone ignores me. of course now, summer is here. we all have the same life 360 circle. throughout the school year, the three of them would call me while they sleptover but never invited me and ignored me when they facetimed me so i would most times just say my phone wifi cut off but it was relaly just because they would ignore me a lot. the only time i was invited was for mia's birthday party.

however, recently, i got a notification saying our friend rue has joined the life360 circle. i was interested so i clicked on it, and i find that everyone is at grace's house without me. this hurt, a lot, especially knowing the four of them have a snapchat groupchat without me. it even sucks too because i buy them food, i spot them money for their cart sometimes, they never offer me anything back. i bought them christmas presents and birthday ones and no one bought me anything for my birthday when it came up. i barely even got a happy birthday. mia was upset on my birthday, so of cours everything was all about her that day. when i asked why am i not in the snapchat groupchat, they told me "well you dont use snapchat." and when i said "well its because no one messaged me on there" they just ignored me. of course, i was pissed about them all hanging out blatantly without me. i wanted to ask them to go to the local fair with me. i asked mia the next mornign since i was still crying and upset what was up, and she just told me they had a sleepover because everyone wanted to go to the fair. she invited me out of pity. every single ride, no one wanted to go on the rides in the same seat as me. everyone got disappointed when they had to ride with me. i spent like 70 bucks and let them have everything i had so that they could have fun. the day ends and then julia texts me. she complains that i reposted a tiktok where it was like "top 5 horror movies" and 2 of them were about hating white people. shes mad that its about me, shes mad i want to be included and i say that i think im "lesser than the rest of them" because to her thats ridiculous. i bite my tongue and i say im sorry. grace does a photodump on her instagram story of may, and im almost pretty much cropped out of the fair photos and theres also photos of all four of them at chilis! its like i never even came with them. and now grace and mia are hanging out constantly and my phone is empty and dry and i wish i was valued like them. i want to be included like them. i want to be one of them. i dont know why, i try to be nice. i bring my purse full of stuff i know they all ask for from me so they can be accomadated (like hand sanitizer, tylenol, hair brush, etc.) and i never get too much a thank you. i never get an invite. whats wrong with me?