I’m sick

I’ll preface by saying these thoughts started about 9 months ago when I started gaining weight from HRT. Before that, I was thin and could eat anything without gaining weight. I also am not diagnosed with any eating disorders.

I’ve started hating anyone thinner than me. I stopped hanging out with my best friend who I love more than anything because her body makes me so jealous. I have so much hate. This disordered way of thinking has turned me into a villain. As much as I have irrational hatred for people thinner than me, the only person I really hate is myself. The jealous burns me. It’s a disgusting feeling. I don’t look disordered. I look normal to most, but fat to me. I’m not thin. It’s ruining my life. And I know this thought process has ruined the rest of my life too. I’ll never see my body the same again. I’ll never be able to gain weight because of how triggering it is. I have to watch my eating habits and weight obsessively. I hate myself so deeply. I want to be the illest person in the world. I want everyone to look at me and think “there’s something seriously wrong with that guy”. I don’t want anyone else to be disordered except for me. My days are spent seething with self-hatred and jealousy. I did this to myself.