Toasted broccoli rueben: cheese, roasted broccoli, onions, sauerkraut

I was with my ex bf for a bit more than a year. We met at the party of a mutual friend’s friend. He’s super conventionally attractive. Objectively speaking, he wouldn’t be out of place on a magazine cover or the wall of an H&M. Me? I’m fine. I’m not trying to be self-deprecating. I’m not ugly, but I’m not conventionally attractive. I’m short, not white, very average build. I don’t fit the beauty stereotype for my ethnicity either. I’d honestly say I’m a bit below average but that might be the breakup talking? Or I was blinded by the relationship lol

I was always insecure about my looks compared to him especially, which I expressed to him a few times, but I tried not to let it be a constant thing he had to soothe in our relationship. When I met his friends they did seem surprised at what I looked like, but at the time I thought it was because he had never dated a POC before (though in retrospect that may have also been a red flag?) and his past gfs were all the blonde skinny type which I am decidedly not (think hockey WAGs lol, no shade to blonde skinny people or to WAGs).

Anyway he broke up with me a month ago with some vague “don’t feel the spark” and “growing in different directions” lines. I was devastated and confused because I thought everything was going great but my friends convinced me not to beg him to stay or anything embarrassing like that. It’s been a month so I thought I was getting over it. I’m busy, I have great friends, everything was fine.

But yesterday, by complete coincidence, I saw him walking down the street holding hands with an absolutely gorgeous girl and I feel even worse than in the moments immediately post-breakup. Blonde, tall, thin, bikini tan line and legs for days. Absolutely no shade to her because she really was beautiful and literally looks like Zara Larsson. But fuck if I don’t feel awful about my looks now because physically, she’s literally everything I’m not. I don’t know if they’re dating but I’m assuming they are, though at the same time it honestly doesn’t really matter because I feel like shit anyway.

Before I met him, I was constantly thinking that my “type” was too much and that my standards were too high- as the kids say these days, I was worried the type of guy I wanted wasn’t a “looksmatch” and that my standards might mean I’m alone forever. I know it’s awful to connect my sense of self or beauty to someone else, but being with him really was validating. I know he isn’t, but I really thought he was my perfect guy. I thought he was gorgeous the moment I saw him, we had lots in common in terms of interests, and he has a really impressive career. I was thinking of forever with him.

Now I can’t help spiralling that I’ll be alone forever, that I’m not pretty enough to get the type of guy I want and that even if I manage to “get” them, they’ll leave me for a prettier girl once the opportunity presents itself. I’m in med school and my personality (I think) doesn’t suck so I know I have lots going for me, but I really do wonder if I need to significantly lower my standards (both looks-wise and in terms of personality) or get a complete makeover and body recomp.

tldr: my conventionally attractive ex bf left my average looking self. i saw him a month later with the most brandy melville cover model looking girl i’ve ever seen

Conventionally attractive bf left me and upgraded to a more conventionally attractive girl