Husband is abusive

Full disclosure: I originally posted this in the stopdrinking sub and because I guess it was too oriented to abuse it was removed. I did however get some really great comments before it was deleted. So I’m posting it here because I don’t know, maybe it’s more acceptable??

Original post:

If anything frustrates him in even the smallest way in the house or in life I get the full brunt of it. I get blamed, demeaned, torn down, insulted, name-called. All of it. It makes this really really difficult. He obviously doesn’t like when I drink. But he really really isn’t helping the situation. He picks on me for anything and everything. I truly think he hates me and has for a long time.

He also has some sort of porn problem and was watching (is watching) very young women/“barely legal” type content and like I’m 37. I think he resents me for how I look now as I’ve gotten older (been together since we were 22), and had 2 kids. I think I look generally alright but my body has obviously changed. Alcohol doesn’t help.

I was fully sober for a good 5 years after I got pregnant with my first. We moved like 4 years ago and I’ve been on and off ever since. I did everything for that move. I do so much all the time and if I take a break or rest then I’m lazy or don’t do anything. I do so much. I literally can’t do everything. He works, I don’t, but I can’t be “on” doing everything and “working” 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s not possible.

Anyway, I know I can do it again. Monday is my planned Day 1. I asked him to help me Sunday night and if I had anything left at “bedtime” we’d dump it down the sink together. But like I don’t even want him near me. His mood flips like a switch the second something inconveniences him, or if I don’t want to do something he wants. He’s so unpredictable and mean. He berates me in front of our kids even.

We had a good talk yesterday and even came to me and asked me what he could do to support me in the next while. And one of the things I said was don’t put me down and berate me, let me recover, don’t pick at me, understand I might just need to sleep a lot for a week or 2, just go with my flow. And today he couldn’t easily access our ironing board (which we never use) and he berated me for 30 minutes while he got ready to go to a baptism.

I want to get better, make some money, and get out honestly. His treatment of me does not help me. It makes everything worse. My coping mechanism choice is not his fault but he is the main reason I need to cope. If that makes sense. It’s been 14 years with him and this treatment and it’s just gotten worse over time. It’s so fucking hard.

Can anyone relate?