Does anyone else feel the urge to destroy any trace of themselves?

I got excited about a creative project that I’d been working on, and I decided to share it with someone. They barely looked at me, and seemed bored and uninterested. I trailed off and stopped talking.

Their reaction took me back to being a child when I would make things and desperately try to get my parents attention. They wouldn’t acknowledge me or look up from their computers. I’d go back to my room, rip my art into little pieces, and throw it away. I felt like I had to hide the evidence that I created something, as if I’d done something shameful and bad. I’d feel so embarrassed for expressing myself, because it seemed like nobody wanted to see me.

I’d been doing so well. I’ve been pushing myself to take up space and start expressing myself. But I ended up having a total breakdown and destroyed everything I’ve created. I ripped apart years worth of journals and all of my art that I spent ages working on. I permanently deleted all of my posts, accounts, and social media.

I’ve realised that I do this every few years, like some sort of fucked up cleanse. It feels like I can’t exist too much; eventually I feel like I have to destroy any trace of myself, every word I’ve written, every photo I’ve taken, every post I’ve made, any evidence that I’ve ever existed, because the way that I express myself and the way that I take up space feels so shameful and wrong; I am fundamentally incorrect.

I want to be seen so badly, but on the other hand, I’m terrified of being seen, and I sabotage myself to remain invisible.