I don't think I can get better anymore.

The past few days I haven't been stable. Mom made me a birthday cake a few days ago. It reminded me of the cake my mom made for me when I was one. I keep crying thinking how many birthdays I will have left with her before she's gone.

I can't keep from telling my self to kill myself under my breath. Keep saying it even at work. The work that doesn't make me use copilot is the only thing that stops me from talking for a time.

Tonight tried to look for jobs to help my partner. My mind starting making up scenarios where I was rejected for a job because I wasn't assertive enough. Called myself several derogatory and sexual slurs. Started punching myself in the face for not getting the job in the made up scenario.
Please don't suggest therapy. I can't afford it. Thank you.