Every day I’m getting more anxious and I’m still three weeks out.

First off, I am not at all regretting my choice or changing my mind. I want and need this surgery and have always wanted it.

What I didn’t realize was how triggering it would be for my medical OCD and dysphoria. I knew it would be triggering to a certain degree and I would get nervous leading up to the surgery, but I’m having anxiety nightmares every night and have had more than one OCD spiral. My therapist and partner are helping me through all of this and my doctor knows about my medical OCD and has assured me that they’ll do everything they can to keep me safe and calm, but it just really sucks.

My brain is convinced that I’m going to have some horrible complication or that my surgeon/anesthesiologist won’t give me the nausea and anti-anxiety meds I requested or I won’t be able to pee after surgery or I won’t be able to handle the post-op pain or even that I’m suddenly going to become pregnant before the surgery and they’ll have to cancel.

Realistically, I know I can handle it and that those things are unlikely. I literally healed two broken arms at the same time this year, so it’s not like I’m a stranger to recovering or difficult health things. But the anticipation of surgery and not knowing what to expect and feeling like there’s so many different outcomes possible sucks.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this other than to shout into the void, but if you’re scared too, maybe we can be scared together.