Help

I have been with my husband since I was 17...he hasn't always been the best to be but after 5 year break up and reconnecting years later he told me he had changed. I gave him a chance to prove it and for about 2 years I thought he had...things were amazing. We got married after knowing eachother for 14 years. We had a baby boy and the day he was born things changed. He started verbal abusing me and blaming me for things...he didn't help with baby and became distant and didn't show up for us. I really thought he would've been a great husband and father. There was one really bad day where he sprayed pop on me and spat in my face. We tried to talk about what was bothering him and he said he thought i was taking away the kids. He drove fast and said he was gunna drive over a cliff. We talked it out and eventually after many months later things were good again. I got pregnant and we had another baby. Things were wonderful! Our baby however was born with a disease annd he couldn't see us alot and again triggered him. We fought again and when i was upset I said somethings because he wasn't being there for us again and he came running at me and put his hands around my neck...this was while I was getting ready to take our baby to the hospitals due to a fever and he was in the other room crying. I could have been more nicer but I was worried he'd cry and not take us and I didn't know how else to get to hospital. I guess I just wanted to vent and to see if anyone could relate...I'm not really looking for advice because I know I can never really leave him. If you have advice though please leave it anyways ♡ thanks for reading this huge paragraph!