I think I am dying

hi guys, I post here from the account “hour_actuary” (I forget the exact numbers in the username). I’ll be honest, I’m currently typing this on hydroxyzine for my anxiety, so I’m not going to give more details until I feel more awake and less out of it.

For anyone who has been keeping up with my story, I wanted to say that after basically a year, we are broken up. I told my parents what has been happening and they took my phone away. I’m currently at my grandmother’s house two hours away and typing this through the safari browser on my late grandfather’s phone.

so much of the abuse has become bottled up for so long that I pretty much lost it these past two weeks. I have been crying uncontrollably, and he has convinced me that I’m not mentally stable. Said how he’s so selfless, meanwhile I am selfish, never take accountability, etc. He also said how my memory is getting worse and I’m mixing up basic details in series of events (for example, if you gave me a recipe to cook, I’d remember everything out of order). Said how I was also extremely irritable (if I used any slightly annoyed or hurt tone) and flipping everything onto him/invalidating him (if I say how I feel in any shape or form) and how he was scared of me. And said how I misinterpret absolutely everything and am basically a shell of my former self.

He even reached out to my friend on instagram to tell me he was worried about me, that I’m not myself, and that I’m essentially not mentally present anymore and he just misses me. He called me psycho to my face and said he might institutionalize me. He knew I had taken too much of my ADHD medicine last week, but the thing is, I knew my receptors weren’t messed up from that. I could tell I just wasn’t able to bottle up the fear and the hurt anymore and I couldn’t regulate myself at all.

he broke up with me over phone, then ended up picking me up anyways that night. He does so many faux breakups that I almost expected it. Immediately when going into the car, I hugged him. I understand it may not have been the right time, but the day before, we were in a similar position and he was upset I wasn’t giving him any physical affection or even a simple hug when he picked me up. So I was trying to not do that, and show my love and care even in hard times. I also brought fresh fruit, and he said I was just overcompensating. Then he asked if I was cheating. I made sure to keep my voice gentle and insisted him that no, I could never. Then he tried to insinuate that I had already moved on and went out because I was wearing different clothes than usual (it was just a tee shirt and shorts that went right below my finger tips). It was a usual outfit so that really weirded me out. I again said no, I would never, I’ve been inside all day. Then he asked about my phone and I showed him my iMessage and multiple social media platforms to prove I wasn‘t talking to anyone, but he got mad at me and thought I had a tone.

then it turned into more arguments. I could tell I wasn’t fawning as much and was actually somewhat standing up for myself slightly, and it made things worse. I was accused of invalidating him and defending myself many more times. He called my outfit a “whore ass outfit” and I pointed out the double standards because he was wearing gym shorts that were shorter than mine. He said the difference is that he doesn’t have an ass so he can wear them.

The entire time, I was trying to remember to keep my voice down, use “I feel” statements, take a deep breath, and stop myself when I could feel that I was becoming worked up. He was extremely angry in his tone and with some of the ways he was speaking. he kept accusing me of making excuses for myself and invalidating him, and I kept saying that my explaining was not to deflect or put blame on him, it instead so I could ensure he understands me as I also work to understand him. I also specifically stated that because we have been so ugly to each other in the past, I thought it was important to speak to each other with gentleness and kindness this time. I remember at one point he did say “you’re stupid as fuck” to me, and that I’m just upset at other people for stating it when it’s relevant to something I’ve done even though it’s a fact.

Things were escalating further and I could tell he turned his back to me. I kept talking and at one point he hit my back. I said “You hit me” to him, and he said no, he pushed me. I insisted that it was hitting, and he denied again until I showed him the redness on my back from it and he finally agreed and apologized. He said he felt terrible, but then told me I provoked him. He also then let loose and called me a bitch, a r*tard, said it’s my fault that my best friend left me (she didn’t even leave me, she needed a bit of space because my situation was emotionally overwhelming her and I respect and understand that). Also said it was my fault that he wasn’t talking to his mom anymore when he’s the one who told her he was cutting ties with her.

After that, we were both sitting on the kitchen floor just in silence. That’s when he started bringing up how passionate and crazy we are for each other And that he still wants me. He said how we’re so sick but there’s something weirdly intimate about it.

Then this is the part that I don’t know if I can talk about yet on reddit. Things happened after that, and I felt extremely uncomfortable, but I never vocalized it. Afterwards, we both admitted it felt wrong and icky and not at all like us. But that’s when I was accused of something. I felt so terrible and like an absolute monster. I was freaking out and he was too. Eventually he said that it was best for us to break up and that he wanted to rebuild his life, pretend it never happened, and never wants to see me again. I got my stuff together, told my dad to pick me up at 2:30am, and he did without any questions.

I came home and woke my mom up. I opened up to both of them about it. They told me I was being manipulated and abused. My mom took photos of the messages he was sending on my phone asking if I was going to press charges, and said I was a liar and they would take legal action if I try anything. She let me add my friend’s contacts onto her phone so I could use it, made me some tea, and hid my phone away from me so I couldn’t respond to him. The next day, today, she contacted an attorney and I had a conversation explaining what exactly happened, what led up to it, and what my options are going forward. I kept subconsciously trying to villainize myself and defend him, but the attorney could see through it.

The call lasted nearly 2 hours. A case file was made for it. I specifically told my mom I do not want to take any legal action. I then had a virtual therapy session where I talked about it, afterwards, my mom drove me to my grandmother’s house two hours away. She made me block him from absolutely everywhere. I saw that he tried to send me more texts and call me a few more times, but I of course didn’t have my phone on me before that so I never got to respond. He still had his location shared. He said we don’t have to keep dating but we need to talk.

Well, I had to block him and I am at my grandmother’s house right now. She herself has been struggling since my grandpa died, so she was happy for the company. It’s nice to see her, but admittedly, this is killing me.

Regardless of what I’m constantly being told by everyone, even legally, I feel like a monster. And it’s so hard for me to enjoy my time with my grandmother because of everything. I love her so much, but I feel like I can’t really talk about my situation. She’s having me help her with chores and the dog. she made me a salad topped with tuna and suggested we go to some places for fun tomorrow.

But I can’t stop thinking of him. I can’t stop missing him. I feel like I can’t breathe without him. Every little thing is reminding me of him, and I keep somehow tricking myself into thinking this is all some messed up nightmare. I even tried to log into instagram from this phone and unblocked him, same with on facebook, but he has me blocked as well. I feel like I am dying. I’ve said so many times I need to leave, but I love him so much that I just can’t. I need him and I feel so empty and lifeless without him. I feel like this is normal heartbreak amplified by a thousand. I’m truthfully also scared for whenever I do return home. He lives so close to me and I think I would crumble if I ran into him. I don’t think I can live without him and it breaks my heart thinking about how he’s doing right now and how betrayed he must feel.

I miss him