I basically put in all the effort until I almost lost myself

This one will be a long one so I understand if you stop reading at a certain point.

I experienced the biggest feverdream of a complicated situation with a woman f33 and me being m29 at that time I had in all my life. We encountered us online in a stupid game through a conincidence and the chemistry was really high right off the start. We wrote for hours each day over a course of 1 month. There was a bit of love bombing from her side telling me I was her soul mate and so on what made me a bit suspicious. I felt flattered but it didnt feel guinuine. I also had the impression that things she wrote werent always the entire truth on top of that the communication wasnt the best in form of withholding crucial information.

Then after a month I already fell for her a little bit and then she dropped the bomb that she had a boyfriend and the dynamic was so intense that she didnt want to destroy it. But the stuff with the boyfriend wasnt even the biggest issue. There was a building that she was renewing and she was basically trapped in that relationship financially and also dependent on him for the project as a whole. By then I basically knew it was over but me being in a really bad situation without a job and also almost homeless and with big legal trouble felt completely lost and defeated and the dopamine rush and exitement I felt gave my mind a drug rush I never experienced before.

I tried to cut her off but I couldnt I needed more of the drug so we continued. Initially I told her that I would text less but I didnt. Part of me also said that I was missing out on relationships and opportunities before and that I would try until desaster would strike me down and oh boy I was in for a dreadful ride.

After her sudden revelation it got even more intense we started to sing songs and create videos but the relationship as well didnt develop any further due to being not able to meet. Things escalated even further for me I couldnt leave the house anymore and was prisoner inside a house. Then her step dad passed away and what we had collapsed in an instant she want affectionate anymore and started to pull back. Responses reduced to 1 per day or even 1 per 3 days. I told her that I would be patient, that I am there for her and so on. But it only got worse. We switched to voice messages and had our only and last talk 2 days before the ghosting started. I told her that I see no future for us and asked her if she wanted to end it.

She told me that she didnt know about it and that it was complicated. I told her that I hoped that she ended it. I for my part couldnt since she lost her dad and I didnt want to break it off during her worst time on earth. But I also told her that her communication style wasnt working and asked her if we could voice message us 1 time per day and be in a phone call once every 2 weeks. The call was nice overall even though both of us were exhausted to the limit I suspect that she had burnout and a depression at this point. We had a good chemistry. She told me that she could move out but told me it wasnt possible due to her pets.

Landlords wouldnt give her a flat with this condition. What I really regret is that I didnt tell her that I could help her in form of organizing or getting her a flat because I knew how the market worked since I worked as a teamlead letting Manager for a year. But I didnt mention it since it felt to much for just talking/texting and I didnt want to pressure her since I felt that "us" were a burden to her at that point and she was just avoidant and scared of telling me that its over. She also told me if I had anything I could call her any time. But to be honest I never even had her number. We communicated over discord. So it felt like I was more of an emotional hideout than a serious relationship option. 2 days after this call the ghosted me. Right then my brother went crazy and was put in a mental hospital.

She showed some signs of serious fatigue and depression before so I panicked and contacted some other people in order to check on her. I dont know if they ever got a response. My panic attack went so far that I researched a bit and found an E-Mail adress, her number and her real adress. I just wanted a sign of her being alive so I called her with a new number and she called back later on. Even though I didnt hear her voice but she heard mine and quickly stopped the call and blocked the number. After that I stopped all efforts to get in contact with her. I blocked her and deleted all media from my phone that was related to her. Had to visit a doctor to get medication because I couldnt sleep or eat anymore. I didnt write her a goodbye text since there wasnt much to say I felt drained and completely devastated and also put to much effort into this wrote poems and stuff. Cried one time about everything.

That was 8 months ago and even though the entire thing didnt even last 3 months I still have to think of her on a daily basis. I know that I idealised her that she has many flaws but nevertheless I miss the feeling of having a muse/partner whatever that you can experience adventures with or create memories with. I miss the intense heartbeat and the deep conversations. Life right now feels like its completely grey without any hope or future. I have a flat now and a solid job and a great circle of friends and despite all of that I feel empty.