Am I (19F) self sabotaging my own relationship before a big step in our lives with my bf (20M)? Or are these concerns something more than that?

I hate that I have to ask the internet for advice, but ive gone through weeks of endless talks and arguments with my boyfriend that i have no one else to go to as i believe involving friends or family into personal matters in our relationship is not right. (although i think telling our problems to strangers is worse but im anonymous i just need help im driving myself crazy)

I want to say there is a possibility im self sabotaging because we are onto the next big step in our relationship. we are both fairly young and starting our careers by going to college and it just so happened we both want to go to the same university. so, we are basically planning to travel across the state for school and this huge step has started to make me rethink the relationship.

i do want to mention though that this isn’t random. the past week we have been talking about something serious in the relationship. back in october,there were some issues arising about my bfs porn use and the amount of porn i would find lying everywhere on his phone. it was affecting our sex life and caused me a lot of anxiety. he struggled to stop, as after he said he would stop because of my discomfort i had found out he watched again and i decided to give him another chance. he watched maybe a week after the talk and i confronted him about it and he was regretful and guilty so i was empathetic, even though maybe i shouldnt have been.

recently, i wasnt sure if he was actually watching porn again, instead i only saw suggestive content of a type of porn that wasnt exactly… the generic genre i found multiple kinds of back then. jt was on a social media app and after discussing it he said he had only seen the content but never paid more mind to it as he knew how i felt about porn and him getting off to it. so this stirred a different conversation between the both of us.

he had moved in with me a couple months ago and confessed to sometimes leaving my home to go back to his home and jerk off. was it to porn? i am not sure and even if it was it was around the time i found out he was watching again. so it was before i saw true change and never had a reason to suspect he was watching it again. however lately, i tried to be okay with this specific genre of sexual content he was seeing as it wasnt “real” people. it was fantasy, and i tried to be okay with it. i was already going through a period where i would constantly look at reddits of people who were okay with porn in their relationships, i tried really hard to understand different perspectives as i want a relationship where we can both be happy and content. so, i had been trying my hardest for months to maybe change how i feel about porn. however, turns out, i had walked in on him late at night about to jerk off to this sexual content and realized that maybe this wasnt something i could be okay with either.

he agreed to stop, seeing that it bothered me so much and said he didnt mind not using that content to jerk off and that he doesnt need it in his life. i want to also mention that i am not against masturbation, or him masturbating in the bathroom when he needs to rub one out. what bothers me is the content he turns to to get off when i have offered to send him our sex videos and hes declined it everytime, saying he will just stop jerking off or just ask to take my phone to the bathroom if he needs to but i have a hard time believing this. because of this, for the past week i have been terrified of what he does in the bathroom. i accidentally walked in on him trying to jerk off to porn and later communicated i wasnt okay with it, so now im terrfied of what hes doing everytime and im sick of it. i dont want to worry about this knowing i have better and more important things to worry about in my life.

i struggle with anxiety, and i havent been medicated for it in a long time. but with all of these things happening in our relationship and these problems coming up when we are supposed to move out away from home is giving me so much stress. it even has me reminiscing on old relationship problems we had where we almost broke up, but reconciled and overcame them. now, im starting to rethink if those were situations i should have even stayed in to begin with even though its been years since we have talked and grew from them.

i need advice with how to move forward or how to self regulate myself. maybe my anxiety is starting to destroy my perception of the relationship for fear of change and i am just becoming avoidant. or maybe this is something extremely important that needs to be solved before such a big step. please help.