I hate myself

I have many many problems in your life, and so you. I have done things that make me hate myself, which I'm going to vent about.

For the past 3 years, I have had a crippling addiction to adult material. I used once a day, then for strectches twice, three times a day. I did it once 7 times in a day. I think about disgusting things while I do. I think about people I know, people who are for more than their bodies and instead I think about just that. It has consumed my life, I think about it constantly and I hate myself for it. I hypersexualise everything and make innapropriate comments often. I can't make friends because of this. I've condemned other people like me, simply because they had the balls to come out and say it.

I am arrogant. For all my life I have been ahead of the pack, but not by much. I am still in my youth, and so I know all of these tests are meaningless and contain no real difficulty, even for someone my own age. And there in lies the arrogance. I assume these people fake poor marks because there is no way someone can be that stupid, even though I do not know any other concious experiences. I assume that these people are below me, when the only place I exceed them is the classroom. I recognise this, I try to change, and yet the subtleties in my language always stick out to me.

I don't care about my family. I have spent my entire life around my immediate family and all of them are asses. My mother has issues and is a people pleaser and fails to effectively work on them. My brother has anger issues and self loathing, and he thinks his autism justifies this. My father isolates his problems, and you may ask how I know he has them, and it's simply because I've seen proof of his oen addictions. My sister is arrogant and condescending. I am no better then any of them, neither are my friends but their suffering matters kess to me than that of my friends.

I cannot work. I know exactly how to fix my problems. Catch myself being a jerk, spend quality time with my family and try reconcile their shortcomings, gradually decrease usage to overcome, or go cold turkey. I know how to actually become smart, to justify some level of that arrogance and yet I do not study. I can work if I sit down and work. I can clean if I sit down and clean. But I cannot focus in the beginning, and most of the time I cannot even start.

I spend my life rotting in my room, jerking off, being a jerk, and playing games in bed. There is nothing more frustrating for me than my own shittiness because I know my actual capabilities. I hate these things about myself and I am trying to change.

This being said, tomorrow morning (because it's 10 o'clock) I am going to wake up, shower, clean akd workout. Then send the rest of my day rotting in bed, but not gooning (hopefully)