longing to be liked instead of desired

[20f] I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to find so easy.

I've never blended in any place I have been. At schools,I've been the smart kid,the new girl,the chubby one with the chunky glasses.I had a totality of two friends and I was more than happy with it,considering my abominable social skills. I didnt really have any crushes,im not such a romantic person.I was pretty miserable in these years too,but then again,that was more due to family tensions and the self criticism that comes with puberty.

Then came in high school.I was the happiest in this time,I was social,confident,could answer roll calls without mental prep and had somehow forgotten my persistent awkwardness. But at this same time,I had started receiving attention for things other than my grades. I got attention from guys--juniors,classmates,a couple seniors. I had a bestfriend who was into beauty stuff,and hanging out with her,i had started putting effort in how i looked.not for validation,but i found it fun. Now,I was removed from the position of a person to be placed at that of a prize.Pedestalized,if thats a word.I was asked out more times than i recall.There was a gc among a couple boys,where i was supposedly frequently discussed as a challenge among them,like something win over. i didnt understand or want this sort of attention. I didnt speak to boys then,didnt even use social media. Still,despite having no contact with men,I started receiving a variety of comments-"Mid" by this guy I had rejected,"Slutty eyes" by another dude who i had done the great mistake of maintaining eye contact with while talking,and a bunch of other weird things.A friend whose bf had admitted to finding me attractive made fun of my acne scars and personality behind my back.

Even though I had been in a better place mentally in high school compared to earlier,I still had a terrible self esteem,and such comments made me feel like I was gross and cheap.I stopped looking into people's eyes while talking after getting called a slut for it,I felt my awkwardness return and get worse than it had ever had before. I went back to reclusion,uncomfortable with all these judgements of me. I was a favourite student of our chemistry professor,and had boys joke about him and i have "something" going on probably.That made me feel worse than ever.I stopped answering in classes,started closing up even more,back to square one.

Then came in college.I had lost the few social skills I had gained in the past two years,and went back to avoiding interaction and closing up,scared of judgement.I got catcalled the first day at college and the lady teacher only encouraged it,wanting to be cool.I felt miserable again. The first semester of college,I didnt make any real friends.oh,but i did recieve a lot of attention i didnt want. i had the attention of a guy who dug up my number from the attendance records,send me weird texts and linger around my classes. i had another senior wait around the gates where i waited for my transport everyday,just to eye me creepily. i had a drunk senior try to get me to sit on his bike with him,offering to drop me home,and call me names when i refused. i had my professor comment sleazily on my body in front of the whole class,i felt my face burn in embarassment as the guys hooted in the back. i had a madam slut shame me during my examination for wearing a fully covering top,just because of the fabric fitting near my chest. im already a very sensitive person and such daily humiliations eroded my confidence totally. i ate lunch alone everyday,just on call with my ldr bf on the phone to not feel alone. girls werent mean to me,per se,they helped me whenever i asked.but noone wanted to just be friends with me,listen to me talk.

i told my bestfriend about these things on call,only for her to tease me for being 'popular among guys',hell i didnt wanna be.i wanted to do away with my body,i want to go back to being the fat kid in elementary,who was only known and liked for what she said and did,not how her body was shaped or face looked. i want to cut my hair short and turn flat as a board and do away with everything at my surface till theres nothing to see but the real me.