Confusion about trauma -

I am currently working with a therapist. We are working on processing this but I wished to share with this community. I am a 20s M

I have core memories from around the ages of 3-6. My parents divorced around this time and were both mentally unwell so I am told and somewhat remember.

I remember sleeping with my mom for a period of time. We would give each other full body massages. This included the bum and legs/thigh area. I remember there being minimal clothing. I also remember oil being introduced. I remember feeling shame and pleasure and arousal. I also remember feeling dissociated. I also did have and still have a lot of confusion about it.

I also remember a “back massager” being introduced which was what I now know to be a vibrator. I believe I Remember this being used on the bum and thigh areas.

I also remember an occasion after a bath presumably with my mom or after my mom of me instigating a wrestle. We both became naked and I can’t remember what else happened. I remember afterwards her telling me that I can’t tell anyone we “naked wrestled” as I named it. She was also afterward upset and said she missed my Dad. I felt elated after what had happened and also did not want her to be sad so I said I’d marry her and she said she would like to marry me but that’s not how things work.

I am unsure if there was malicious intent. If there was blatant sexual abuse in the form of sex or masturbation. I show signs of sexual abuse in early childhood and adulthood and during therapy. I have had strong dreams and flashbacks which depict sexual intercourse with my mom but I am unsure what to make of them. They often make me very upset and I dissociate.

I flip between feeling very angry and devastated and betrayed to thinking I am exaggerating and these are innocent memories or I’m reading things wrong.

I also remember a lot of kissing and waking up in bed with my mom at weird times and the night times feeling weird. I also remember lots of towels during massages and in the bed. I also remember wetting the bed and having trouble with masturbation from an early age.