My 9 year old soul cat, Zinder (pronounced Sin-duh), passed away in my arms around 11AM.

In March, she threw a Saddle Thrombus, which is a blood clot that lodges at the base of a cat's aorta, blocking blood flow to the hind legs. It paralyzed her, but she survived and seemed determined to fight. I hand fed her back to health, cleaned her and changed her leg bandages twice per day, and massaged her hind area several times per day. She regained her quality of life. 

She learned how to climb with her forearms and was able to get herself onto the couch or onto my bed to sleep next to me. She was my shadow even when she was handicapped.

This, I woke to a shriek of pain in the living room. I found Zinder, and she had clearly thrown another blood clot and wasn’t able to move a forearm. I quickly administered blood thinner, but the clot must have been too large. She started seizing and thrashing as her motor functions were leaving her. I wrapped her up tightly in her favorite blanket and held onto her while I tried to reach the emergency vet. But, she was fading too quickly. She would force out these nearly silent groans between seizing. I could tell she was trying to meow for help, but her body was failing and wouldn’t let her communicate.

I gave her an oral dose of cat opiate that I had from her previous blood clot, then I hugged her and repeated that I loved her over and over until she took her last breath. I’m often haunted by the gruesome nature of this tragedy, but I’m grateful I was there to love her and hold her.

People who adored her brought me assortments of flowers, and I made a funeral box for her. The vet spent a lot of time with her and sent me a lovely card with notes from all the people who worked with her and how much they loved her, too.

I’ve never had a creature love me and understand me in the way that she did. I might chase that feeling forever without being able to find it again.

I’m so grateful for the time I had the privilege of being her best friend. Somehow, I can still smell her, hear her, feel her presence somewhere close but out of reach…I wish I could hold her forever.

Goodbye, Sweet Zinder