I tried to kill myself today and I wasnt ready for what happened next..

I had a bad fight with my partner, nothing explosive, same repetitive stuff. I said i needed some space and didnt want to talk about it. I felt i spend a lot of energy explaining what hurt me just for them to get defensive, dismiss it or just keep doing it again. I said I'll talk later but they kept pushing me and pushing me and it felt like a mosquito was trapped in my ears. I just wanted it to stop. I tried to throw myself out the window, not entirely wanting to die, maybe to threaten him, maybe to just make it stop, half way out i thought they might not stop me.. but i felt like going back isnt an option. I felt should stick to my words and go through with it. I was literally hanging out upto my stomach when they caught me. I just didnt resist. I stood there looking at concrete below. I realized i could have died then. After a while i came back inside and started wailing and bawling. I realized i was gonna throw my life away and i couldnt understand why..

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After that i feel different. I feel like i crossed a line i shouldnt have crossed. I feel a darkness inside me. Currently I am watching this show which is literal sunshine and rainbows, i am smiling but i cant stop thinking thats so nice, too bad thats not my world anymore. All of that feels made up, fantasies, stories.. and my world is all dark and rainy and.. evil i guess. It feels like i slipped into a parallel world. Its not like i have never thought about death or dying before! Now it feels there is this dark smoky chain going drown my throat wrapping around my heart.

My mind kinda slipped and I'm scared it can happen again. It feels like i am not fully in control.. will i ever be fully me again? Can i just go back to my own world?