impulsive

this whole month i have been so impulsive , spending unnecessary money on things i don’t even need , i miss work to have fun , driving back & fourth from my bf house bc he’s my FP and i start to die without him but when im there i think about all horrible things i have done to him and the guilt just eats me alive that i run back home . and if we talk i can’t face any accountability i start to panic and cry when he brings anything up and i know it’s not fair but i can’t help i have been so bad to him but he always welcomes me in . but when IM at home i have no distractions that i end up leaving home and driving around for no reason . i feel so stuck bc this has been going on like this for 3 months where idk what decision is right for me and im so young i just wanna die bc idk why im messing up my life on purpose and crying about every decision i make as i make it what do i do to stop this . i cant fight the urges jt eats me alive that i have to feel like this my nervous system is so broken . idk why im stuck in this state for this long .