**When CM Punk grinned to himself after seemingly duping Cody Rhodes into giving him a title shot, the Raw after Wrestlemania, it seemed as if we were finally heading towards an American Nightmare going head to head with a Second City Saint. Punk walked away, crowd went home happy, even your intrepid writer was happy dear reader, as I was just a few weeks away from seeing my hero Phil Brooks (Modern day hero; current hero Thekla, all time Stone Cold Steve Austin, besides the point, moving on....) in my favourite city, home of my favourite football club, Liverpool on May 28th.**

**You may have realised that my plan did not exactly come to pass! Now don't get me wrong, I got to see Rhea Ripley, the awesome Danhausen, crikey I even got to see Jason McAteer in a Red shirt giving tips to Trick Williams.....now I wasn't pissed, it was an actual real thing, there were witnesses honestly! Gunther, Cody, Charlotte Flair, Ethan Page, Fatu, and a ringside seat I shouldn't have had, no complaints. There was just one thing missing, one Phil Brooks. For you see CM Punk had a fortnight or so before been removed from the WWE European tour, causing me to utter the same word that Begbie shouted when he found Renton in T2.**

**Now I wasn't gutted as such, I have seen CM Punk in the home city of Leeds last year, I also saw him in Nottingham in 2012, and quite hilariously I was several hundred feet above CM Punk when he and Jack Perry engaged in an impromptu pillow fight in the locker room area at Wembley Stadium....great match with Joe btw! But yeah still gutted, and slightly weirded out, why on earth after being put all over the promotional material was CM Punk suddenly pulled off of the lucrative tour? Well quite predictably the internet went into a Punk meltdown at the outrageousness of Punk taking.....a holiday? But no it is CM Punk, therefore there must be a sinister plot afoot against the IWC, smart marks who know everything about the business, including CM Punk's inside leg measurements!**

**So in the spirit of "Who shot JR?", tonight I investigate "Who stole CM Punk?!" (Incidentally CHEAP PLUG KLAXON! I will be examining this in more video-y detail on Geekboymeta7381 on the old YT in about an hour.....I mean if you read this after half ten I mean I won't be but.....look you get the point, see you soon Metas!)**

* **FAWLTY TOWERS SUBJECT OF THE "BLEEDING OBVIOUS!": CM Punk is on holiday with his wife AJ Lee, chilling in his house in Chicago eating Haggen Daz watching the New York Knicks absolutely dick all over Tottenham Hotspur.....sorry the San Antonio Spurs (Easy mistake given their performance!), and cannot be arsed doing anything else other than that because the bloke is 47, and needs a rest of working his backside off for a year.....nah, obviously it cannot be that, we need something JUICY!**
* **CM PUNK IS RETURNING TO AEW: No reader, I shit you not, research carefully and there is an ACTUAL section of the IWC (Bedwetting the Basement Anon Inc) who think that WWE has fired CM Punk, not told anyone, and that Phil Brooks will be showing up at Wembley Stadium on August 31st to break the internet in the biggest swerve in wrestling history......I......I mean.....look I don't even know where to start with that one! Well actually I do, and just how on earth would AEW, WWE, CM Punk, AJ Lee, approximately two hundred or so wrestlers, bookers, staffers, writers be able to keep CM Punk's return to AEW a secret from the IWC for THREE FUCKING MONTHS?! Please do better nerds!**
* **CM PUNK HAS NO STORYLINE: Um this is quite likely, but also in many ways very stupid on the Fed's part! If Punk has been temporarily shit canned because there are no credible opponents and storylines for him to be involved in, might I interject with the following: Trick Williams, Sami Zayn, Penta, All Ego Ethan Page, Joe Hendry, a return with Finn Balor, Dominic Mysterio, J'Von Evans.....one would politely suggest that a lack of people to work with is NOT THE REASON why CM Punk is not available at present! Point taken Oba, Lesnar, Cody Rhodes and Roman Reigns are all tied up, but if WWE has really benched Punk because they cannot find something for him to do against the eight names mentioned, then they shouldn't really be in the business they are in at present!**
* **CM PUNK IS LEAVING WWE! And WWE would remove their biggest star, biggest merch mover, and now that Cena and the Rock are basically none factors, with Roman Reigns their most bankable star, and a cash cow for the evil money swallowing demon entities TKO, just why on earth would CM Punk be fired?! Now Punk could've lost his rag with HHH and the Fed, I mean I have literally been at Wembley Stadium whilst Punk was having said strop! But given that WWE have just lost John Cena, AJ Styles, Bill Goldberg, the teased retirement of Brock Lesnar, Asuka and Roman will be gone as soon as Ryu starts shouting "SOD-YOU-KEN", this makes very, very little credible sense.**
* **CM PUNK IS COMING BACK AT NOC: BINGO! The End!**
* **CM PUNK IS LEAVING BECAUSE THE FED IS BASICALLY A GLORY HOLE FOR REPUBLICANS AND THEIR POUNDSHOP EMPEROR: I mean I guess that's a thing, but then again CM Punk has quite verbally supported Trans kids rights, called some douche ESPN chav lad MAGAFEE, joined Anti Ice demo's in Chicago and so on.....NOT. A. THING.**
* **CM PUNK IS PLANNING THE NEXT STAGE OF HIS CAREER IN THE MOVIES AND WILL BE CAST AS THE PUNISHER IN THE REBOOTED MCU: One this could be a thing. And secondly and with respect to the wonderful Jon Bernthel......OHMIGOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDLLLLETTTTIIIIITTTHAPPPENNNN!!!!!**
* **CM PUNK IS RETURNING BEFORE OR AT SUMMERSLAM: Double "Its a bingo!" to quote Hanz Lanza.** 
* **CM PUNK IS RETURNING AT SUMMERSLAM TO TURN HEEL ON CODY RHODES: One of the most obvious and more sensible things from the IWC and the dirt sheets over the last few months certainly! If you look at the credible list of opponents for the Second City Saints, there is not exactly a lot of wriggle room. LA Knight, Trick Williams, Joe Hendry, all possible but highly unlikely. Bron Brekker and Oba Femi, exciting for sure but why with either of them, what is the angle? Seth Rollins? As much as I have thoroughly enjoyed both men in the ring together, I would rather Xenomorph saliva land on my scrotum than watch another round of those two! Therefore Cody Rhodes makes the most sense, particularly as WWE in their infinite wisdom will be absolutely steadfast in their belief that Rhodes will be cheered over the villainous CM Punk.....of course he will not!**
* **CM PUNK IS RETURNING AT SUMMERSLAM TO TURN HEEL ON ROMAN: Intriguing, and possibly the second most likely. Punk lost his second straight Mania main event to the OTC, and was basically dismissed as an after thought. Also Roman is going after Summerslam and will be far too busy getting electrocuted by Blanka to grace us all with his glorious MAGA presence for his five minutes of ring time. Punk costing Reigns the title makes sense. And here is this writer's batshite crazy contribution, what if a Punk sneak attack causes Roman to drop the belt....to Dom Mysterio?! Oba Femi and Brock Lesnar are blatantly having a rubber match, what happens if that is delayed until Summerslam as opposed to NOC? Mysterio beats LA Knight, shenanigans ensure between the JD and the Bloodline, Mysterio and Liv become Lover Champs, and CM Punk raises Dom's hand......ffs IWC you have me doing it now!**
* **CM PUNK COMES BACK AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE: Again TKO like money, absolutely not!**
* **CM PUNK COMES BACK AS A BABYFACE AND SAVES CODY/ROMAN/SOMEONE ELSE: Unfortunately this probably has a high threshold of being the obvious way home, particularly given today's rumours about Punk coming back on July 6th in Chicago on Monday Night Raw. I mean Punk coming back in Chicago should be boring as fuck at this point, and yet every single time he always has a way of making that awesome.**

**In short reader, none of us actually know what's going on, not the wrestlers, not the dirt sheets, not the click bait sites, not your mate who knows a bloke who once looked after AJ Lee's pet lobster, none of us. But the smart money remains that between NOC in Saudi and Summerslam Punk will be back, and it will either have something to do with Reigns, Rhodes, the Bloodline and potentially the Judgement Day.**

**And who knows, maybe the crazy thing of the bloke wanting to chill out with his Mrs on a couch in Chicago might not be so crazy after all!**

**Unless of course Punk reunites with Paul Heyman and joins the Vision to take out Seth.....OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE, CURSE YOU IWC!**

CM PUNK: Just where the hell is Phil Brooks?