The feeling won’t go away

I won’t tell my whole story, it’s long but I’ll give you some context, some backstory. 

So when I was a child like in middle school I had an attitude toward masculinity as in wanting to be masculine like a man, I didn’t think about being a masculine woman but a man. Growing up I didn’t do makeup or nails, even in my teen years I didn’t. In my early 20s it was Easter, I had to wear a dress and I looked into the mirror.. I wanted to cry, I felt off. I was a masculine woman at one point but I switched to feminine because I thought I had to. Even to this day if I wear makeup, nails, dresses I want them off. I would do my makeup and I would tear up, one day I wore a dress and makeup.. I wanted to take it off. In March 2026 I had a realization that I might be a trans man, I imagined taking T and getting surgeries.. it gave me so much gender euphoria. The feeling of wanting to be a man has not went away. When I look at other trans men I think “I want to look like him”. Yes my account is of a woman, in person I have to identify as a cis woman due to where I live, my family,etc. I also identify as a cis woman because my gender OCD acts up, usually when someone has gender OCD they have intrusive obsessive thoughts about being something else but for me I don’t have that. Instead of OCD convincing me that I am trans, it does the opposite. I imagine transitioning in the future a lot and it gives me joy. I do have a couple of worries when transitioning.. 1. Leaving my lesbian identity behind. I know some trans men identifies as a lesbian but for me I will be a straight trans man and 2. Having kids. In my mind I feel like I have to get pregnant in order to have kids, just because I have the.. organs to do that but I don’t desire to be a pregnant trans man. So yes.. I cannot transition right now though. The closest thing I can do is dress and act masculine, do my hair a certain way.