My bland personality is correlated to my lack of intelligence and it is lessening my will to live.

Strictly NO reposting on other social media. Please respect my wish.

Long venting ahead. It's somewhat a re-occuring theme in my life hence the oversharing.

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I have been sad all my life and people definitely know the way I present myself.

I am 20F and I think have only gained conciousness about life (myself, ambitions, academics. everything) during the pandemic. Before that time, I was just going with the flow. Going to school everyday, until the virus outbreak happened--everything came to a halt. I was taken out of a trance. Suddenly, I am someone who have to actively account for myself and coincidentally, I was in a phase of my life where I have to make big decisions that would greatly impact my life: senior high school. I ruminated a lot during this time and I realized: I have a personality of a dry paint. I could only interact with my dorkish small circle of friends whom I only have a relationship with because of proximity. Outside, them? Render me mute because I cannot hold a conversation. I undeliberately stay in my head and I realize, people found it difficult to connect with me because I do not direct my emotions through facial expressions and body language. It doesn't help that my humour and interests are completely different from your average everyday Filipinos (which ironically doesn't swing to the other end of the spectrum because that side finds me too normal.) This will be alluded to later. One thing to also know about me, i had an inflated sense of intelligence. I consistently ranked with honors in high school despite not knowing how to solve for the x and y intercept, and evaluate algebraic expressions. I didn't join competitions. I couldn't debate. I couldn't banter. My teachers didn't know me any better than a name in their class attendance. Still, I thought FOR SOME reason, I was part of the creme of the crop because I was part of the honors list. I didn't know what the frick my thought process was. Strictly NO reposting on other social media. Please respect my wish.

SHS will make or break your college life. So, I decided to go to this adequately university. I badly wanted to get out because I realized, man I have been attending said JHS but only one person truly cares and know me. So to start anew, i crafted this perfomance: the likeable kikay artsy girl. I ended up burning out because I couldn't keep the facade because being social attracts responsibility and expectations to you. Strictly NO reposting on other social media. Please respect my wish. DONT TURN MY LIFE INTO AI GENERATED QUICK DOPAMINE FIX SLOP YOU REDDIT STORY SCRAPERS. My classmates expected me to be smart because I was presenting este appeared to be social and active in class. I eventually had to retreat to my social circle of "class rejects" to attract less attention to myself because If I continue--they will notice I cannot keep a conversation going for more than 3 minutes much less i can hold eye contact. I didn't realize at that time, I had a severe case of maladaptive daydreaming. In normal conversations, people do not engage with what I say in a group discussion. I'm that someone who butts in when something interesting is said. I'm lucky if they notice. If I'm extra lucky, my one liner makes one or two person pick up where I commented. If I'm extra EXTRA lucky, they laugh, beam at my joke. I'm that girl who needs a third person to 1-to-1 hangout because my social battery will drain faster than an iphone 10 with 50% battery health.

College came and I wanted to re-define myself. Again. I went for a bigger university and oh boy, I felt like a grade schooler trying to appeal to the ates and kuyas in highschool. I wanted to BE that big college girl with exaggerated facial and body language and CHARIZZZ humour; that girl with colorful eye make-up, shopee knock off leather office shoulder bag and muji-replica binder notebook. I wanted to be IT GIRL that the gays and girls will like. Alas, my mask fell again. I couldn't match my life experiences with my peers. I didn't have a life to really share. I didn't have the connections. I couldn't make a decent relationship. I didn't have the smarts either.

I know, everyone knows, I'm at the bottom of the class. I couldn't hold a memory even if my life depended on it; my failures were permanently recorded in my TOR. The worst of it all, I have been watching my life go through multiple nosedive through the trash because of my bad time management skills driven by i dont know??? undiagnosed depression? long-term sadness and lack of self-worth.

I cannot seem to get out of this cycle of self-destruction. I have other issues that I haven't mentioned but somewhat alluded to. I know I need to take myself less seriously or loosen up as the American sitcoms say. I am the product of bad habits come to life. I don't know how to turn my life around. I'm aimlessly surviving college life.

TLDR: God, I long to be normal with perfect executive function and wit.

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All these descriptions of myself was well used to describe myself because I can verbalize it better. I didn't see the pattern of my behaviour long-term because I was (still am) very short-sighted (figuratively and literally).

I just needed to get this out of my system really. Any help is welcome.