I'm internally freaking out, please help.

God, I don't know where to start... but please do not judge me. I'm seeking real people's help from this sub, so please either be supprotive or don't reply.

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I.. can't like this.

I can't see the appeal of being a father. I can't understand why someone would make themselves go through this torture in many dimensions. I thought I'd enjoy this process and I thought I'd like being a father, but fuck! It hit me so hard how I've lost my old self, SUDDENLY!

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The autonomy, the freedom, the time, the money, the lightness of your decisions only impacting you, the sleep, the carelessness, the agency of your time and energy.

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These are all things I'm so bitter losing. Don't get me wrong, I love my child, I just don't freaking understand how this is something that people enjoy or even survive!

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What's next? When do things get better? When do I feel myself again? Why does the life calm down?

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My brain is literally trying to make up scenarios to feel better, what if I didn't have a child, what if I didn't get married? What if I was still single? Will I never be able to be successful in work, in life?

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Fuck, I know this is very stupid to say but I'm literally just gonna say it here... I miss the ability of playing games till I want to sleep or going to the gym at 1 am or going out with my friends 3 times a week. I miss the freedom of sleeping on my cool wide bed without being too careful to make any sound! I miss the ability to travel anywhere anytime I want. I miss the time where my actions, at max, only affected my wife.

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This feels to me like signing up for a lifetime of immense responsibility. Why??? Why would someone in their sane mind do this? And why can't I make peace with it??? I swear I hate myself for feeling this way, but I also hate this situation too much, I am grieving for months now and nothing is getting better...

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Please help... Tell me when and if this is gonna be fine. Tell me if I'll have this kind of freedom anytime soon. Tell me if I don't, how to cope?

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I thought every father around me, is at the very least, very happy with their children, never hit me that some fathers just live... I don't have it in me. I already have a lot of internal issues that I struggle with on a daily basis. Basically, my energy is only enough for myself, and when I got married, things kind of mixed, I'm not happy in this marriage, not because of the child, but if anything, my fear of this child is built on this marriage being unhappy. I don't feel like myself anymore, I lost my identity and it's killing me. The only time I get for myself every now and then is like me taking a sip of oxygen... why?

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Please... tell me how to cope with this, or am I doomed to never feeling good about it?