Want to reach out for the first time after a long time in the dark

Hello fellow Christians,

I am in need of love and prayers. Understanding as well. Please no assumptions - they make me shut people and information out, unfortunately.

I used to be in a really dark place. Growing up I was so sensitive, always trying to figure out why people did things a certain way but everybody was different.

I never understood and there was always different input from everybody. I tried watching TV to help me understand. But I never knew what was entertainment and what wasn't and what was meant for which area in somebody.

My parents had communication issues which made me go insane internally. I isolated myself trying to find meaning in things and I stopped asking my parents for help and advice.

I recently went on a trip to visit my boyfriend who is just an extroverted version of me. Hes 9 hours away on plane.

It was my first trip there. I tried understanding the dynamics so much between him and his chronically sick mum, brother, and his hard working father who is very objectively - thinking.

The whole trip I was confused and processing things. Trying to understand people and what I should do in life.

But then I met this 30 year old guy next to me on the plane back to my home country.

He was Christian and he was so humble. He was wise and admitted he didnt know what he was doing either. He said he was a lot like me and started naming problems that he faced because of it, people that he hurt, the dark places he was in and the pain that brought upon everything and he explained so neatly and cleanly, how that all connects to God.

That really snapped me out of my haze. I had so many emotions at once. I was so behind. Im 17, almost 18, but I felt so humbled, which is fine.

Now Im learning how to communicate for the first time. Im trying to mend old relationships, start again.

Thankfully, so far, it has been received well by my father, who cried tears of joy, and other people who were checking in on me before, people from my past...

Human connection is so important. This is my first reddit post like this. I've always thought it was stupid to talk to people because nothing is ever rigid.

I'm feeling so peaceful and loved right now. I have cried so much. .

I never used to be very profoundly emotional. Just miserable and having bursts of tears without being able to let go.

Im ready to let go but I still don't understand my boyfriend completely. I know its not fully possible to do so. After what i experienced, I see him differently. He wants to protect and provide so much because of what his father is like and because his mum struggles and they have two dogs, one needs extensive help because of health issues...

He doesn't know how to slow down, he thinks he does, he says he is too lazy, that he never works enough. He's so incredibly future oriented, like I am, that he doesnt fully enjoy whats right there with him.

I know its a defense mechanism. I've had it or still have it too.

But I dont know what to do or think.

I just want him to be happy. He says he is right now. I think its not good for him that he's working on getting enough money together for a K1 visa for me to be able to live with him.

It just reinforces his destructive habits. He is in a different head space right now and I dont know what to do.

I would love for you lovely brothers and sisters to share your experiences if you have similar ones. And pray for me and please let me know when you do and wether you'd like a response or not.

I feel really weird because of everything and restless.

I really just want our happiness.