do you feel crazy because of loneliness?

“crazy” the negative connotation with that word especially when gone hand in hand with something such as mental illness is unavoidable . but it has wormed itself into my brain resolute in its endeavor and convinced me that without a doubt it is what i am. all my life i’ve been called it and more. the delusion is equivalent to that of the psychological symptom experienced after too much tylenol combined with irregular and undocumented unprescribed use of venlafaxine . what do you do to curb it? occupy your mind with frivolous and unending content, scrolling until your thumb is sore or your brain simply can’t handle it . dopamine overdose, serotonin overload in a brain that can’t even make it itself

i know it’s my fault, the crushing weight of change met with shoulders immune to erosion. what factor contributed ? what factor do i have to seek and reform or be mad at. my mother, her mother’s mother, heavenly father . i see no one, i talk only to myself. i feel deluded and in ruins . i can’t get out of bed, i live only in my mind, in dreams. i embrace the nightmares and make do with the good ones. how many characters can my mind handle ?

my 18th birthday nears and yet i am stuck in the past, somewhere. i wonder if all the relationships i’ve had have been some sort of cruel joke played on me. i ache for my own soul and wish it had a better host on it’s own behalf