Postpartum and constantly annoyed with in-laws obsession with my baby

I am 3 months postpartum and I constantly debate with myself if I am being unreasonably annoyed or if I am justified.

To start for the past few years we’ve been cordial and gone on family holidays but I’ve never really felt fully accepted i.e MIL would ask FIL, BIL and my husband where they would want to eat for dinner but not me, I was always an afterthought- that’s fine. MIL always seemed overly involved and not afraid to say what she thought when it came to my husbands decisions and I didn’t like her overstepping but they’re a close family and that’s their dynamics. I never felt mil checked in on me when my mother passed away and during my pregnancy, at least not as much as I would have appreciated. But since my baby has been born she’s completely changed she’s always asking how I am, making dinners every time they visit (every other week), really making an effort with me. On one hand I really appreciate it but on the other hand I feel it’s a little bit too late and feels manipulative as if she’s now making an effort so she can see my baby and keep me sweet.

My BIL and I were really friendly going out for drinks a lot, then I became pregnant. I invited him to a concert with me and a couple of friends and he stood away from us on his phone and seemed he was in a mood, I asked if he was ok and he said yes, so I just assumed something had bothered him that he didn’t want to share. When the concert ended he stormed away and I was shouting on him and he was about to jump in a taxi and leave me without saying anything - we are neighbours!! My other friends lived in another city so had to leave for the train so I would have been stranded waiting for another taxi myself heavily pregnant. I shouted on him and he just ignored me, his taxi ended up cancelling on him so he came back to me and I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing and proceeded to not speak to me for 20 minutes in the taxi rank and another 20 minutes home - I came home to my husband in tears. I received a message the next day saying I ignored him even though I felt it was the other way around. I still felt he shouldn’t have stormed away from me and should know me well enough to know I would never ignore him. Anyway he apologised eventually for this but I have forgiven him but haven’t forgotten how he treated me that night. Since my baby has been born he’s constantly asking to meet up for coffees and all over my baby which coffee dates I’ve tolerated and somewhat enjoyed hanging out. But tonight he was talking to my baby about how she’s going to be having sleepovers at his house etc and I got my back up a bit because I feel like I’ve lost a lot of trust in him and he’s acting really fake around me.

I can appreciate my in-laws are genuinely caring people especially towards their family but we see them all the time and it feels really overwhelming to me. I lost my mother to cancer a year and a half ago and don’t have a lot of my own family so being around my in-laws and how close they all are really triggers a sadness and emphasises the loss I have which I know is unreasonable to take out on my in-laws. It’s just a weird feeling to me biological strangers are obsessed with my beautiful baby when I don’t fully trust them.

I want myself and baby to see them less than I already do but it’s really difficult when there’s an expectation to see her whenever they’re in town. I also hate that they just assume they are going to be massively, constantly involved and I have zero say! They’re already talking about all the holidays we’ll be going on and all the things they’ll do with my baby and it gets me so on edge!! I think it’s because I am not the one having any say :( My husband wants to see them a lot and doesn’t share the same feelings.

They’ll just be staring at us both when I’m holding my baby and it just irritates me so much like I get you want to look at the baby but it feels so intrusive and I feel awkward around them. And when they hold her I get to angry and annoyed which I hate feeling.

Any advice would be helpful.