I Hate This Stuff So Much

Title says it all, and I'm sure you can all relate. Can't really understand how this shit is legal.

I've been battling with opiate addiction since 2018. Before opiate addiction, I was battling with alcoholism from 2009-2018. I transitioned from alcohol to opiates in 2018, and have been successful enough to stay away from alcohol since. Being off alcohol has been the biggest blessing in my life so far. Now I have this huge 7 monkey on my back.

To get off opiates (specifically hydrocodone), I switched to kratom leaf. WOW! That helped me immensely and immediately, and I thought I found the secret key to get off the opiates. From 2018-now I have been using kratom leaf to help with my anxiety. However, I kept relapsing on the hydrocodone with bouts of clean time inbetween. I believe the longest I've gone without hydrocodone was eight months, but I was in a good spot in my life mentally and always ran back to the pills. I have known about 7 for a few years, but made the conscious decision to not unlock that door because I have a very addictive personality. I have been through withdrawal (not even over-exaggerating) over a hundred times. Both with alcohol and opiates. Alcohol being the worst. My last alcohol withdrawal had me institutionalized because I was having sever hallucinations that the world was ending and I was about to die. It was the scariest thing I have EVER been through in my entire life. That was the last time I took a drink.

After being released from the mental ward, I focused on bettering my life. However, from years of around the clock drinking, I completely messed up my central nervous system and it has not been the same since. I went through all of this anxiety for two years, then I was prescribed 1mg of kpins which I took for two years. I had no Idea how addicting they were because I was young, dumb and did not do my research on them. I took them exactly as prescribed and never abused them. We all know where this story leads and I "accidentally" became addicted to them. It took me a year and a half to taper off of them. Again, one of the hardest (if not the hardest) thing I have EVER been through, but I was successful with getting off of them.

In March of this year, I decided to move across my state to better my job opportunities and I wanted to get away from the pills. I had lived in the same apartment for seven years. This move caused me so much stress. More stress than I had been through in over a decade, so I was constantly popping hydrocodone. I'm really good about stopping them when I need to. Withdrawals off of hydrocodone are a breeze for me and I can usually get through it easily with kratom leaf and edibles. Also, it's a really expensive habit.

I got through this stressful move, but the stress caused me incredibly bad GI issues which eventually lead to stomach ulcers. I'm still going through it as I type this out. However, they are slowly getting better. Before the move, I wanted to stock up on the hydrocodone because I wouldn't have access to them anymore. When I called my plug, they informed me that they did not have anymore. This is where 7oh walked into my life. Against my better judgment, I bought a 30mg 7. After taking it and feeling it's effects, I literally said to myself: "This will destroy me". I ended up on an 11 day bender and started feeling the withdrawal effects after a week of taking them. I was taking about 150mgs a day. I'm now up to around 300mgs daily, but won't allow myself to go over thst amount. I stopped CT and started the Vit C protocol. That helped a lot.

From there, I stayed sober for two weeks, then went on another bender. Again, stayed sober for two weeks and went back on them. This has been my life since the beginning of April. However, the sober time has been shorter and shorter inbetween. This shit has a grip on me and I can't shake it. I just went 48 hours without it with intentions to stop again, but stressors in my life keep popping up and I cave. I need to stop this shit, but I'm having a really hard time living life on life's terms and don't have enough time inbetween my job to just stop. The withdrawal from this keeps getting worse and worse, and they are no joke.

I am taking two weeks off of my job starting June 23rd. I have decided that this will be it for me. I'm going to go through this withdrawal. I have a lot of gabapentin (100mg) and clonidine (.02mg), but they just knock me out. I'm also unsure on how much to take to feel comfortable. I do not want to go the sub route, but at this point, I just want to be off opiates for good. They are really messing up my life. I've even toyed with the idea of just quitting my job and focusing on my wellbeing, but idle hands are the devil's playground. I have enough savings to get me through at least four to five months. I just want to be free of all these substances. I'm even suspect to take the gaba and clonodine. I know what I need to do, but am incredibly terrified to do it.

I'm typing all this out as a warning to anyone toying with the idea of taking this shit, and to have this as a landmark for myself when I finally get off this shit. Just don't do it. I knew better but decided to touch the stove. I definitely got burnt. I may not have been taking this stuff as long and a much as other people from this sub, but I've taken enough to learn my lesson and find myself in a trap. IT'S EXAUSTING.

It's been very cathartic to write all of this out. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for from this, I just wanted to get this all out because I haven't told anyone about it and have once again found myself in a monster of a mess.

If you read all of this, thank you. I'll try to keep updating as I navigate through all of this (if anyone cares).